18 February 2020.

I started self harming last year and the most I’ve been clean has been about 2 or 3 months at a time.

This has been the biggest climb since I started and I was so proud. My boyfriend and I were doing so well, but it’s clear to me now that was all an illusion. We were both hiding our real problems underneath and can’t even talk to each other about them for god knows why. We’ve known each other since we were like 3, but hadn’t started hanging out until about a decade later and started dating at 16. We know more about each other than anyone else, and learned from our breaks in-between, or at least I thought we did.
He started to self harm and I relapsed from having been clean for years not long after. Everything was spiraling, and sometimes, I feel like we still are.

Communication was never something he and I were the best at, even when we made the effort.

We are so different. He’s so kind to everyone and I refuse to let people, even authority, shit on me. If I’m not having a good time, I’m not going to pretend that I am. If I hate the way somebody does things and they try to drag me into it, I’m not going to sit there and pretend that it’s okay.

But he will.
He’ll do it out of politeness and grit his teeth through it all for the sake of others.
I can’t do that, and I guess it’s also why I fell in love with him and admire him so much.
But when it comes to the small things, I say to him, “Don’t worry about that; it doesn’t matter.” There will be other times, other plans, other people. But if these people demand his attention, claw their way to him, he lets them. Because he wants to be at peace with everyone.

And he wants to cut.

Self harm has damaged us and our relationship in so many ways. It’s come to the point where we can rarely talk about it civilly anymore. I mention it to him—the want, the itch—well, “Don’t do it.” I guess I deserve that, since whenever he presents to me with a problem, I tell him the same thing. Don’t open their messages if you know they’re toxic or accept their invitation to an 18-hour session of something you have no interest in. You only have a limited time for yourself to spare.

Everybody needs someone. They don’t all need you.

Because you need you.