I turned 19 today and it's just been absolute trash. I'm just gonna pour everything out here because I feel like the people I talk to dont actually care. Me and this girl have been hanging constantly ever since we met 2 weeks ago. She's actually so pretty and amazing and i like to tell people i dont catch feelings easily but I really do. After that first night we met she was constantly on my mind. She's so funny and ive never gotten comfortable with someone so quickly. Yesterday she was supposed to come over to chill and play games and I didn't tell her it was my bday because I didn't want her to feel weird or want to give me a present. But I thought she got off at 11pm and i was hoping that by the time she got here it wouldn't be my bday yet and she wouldn't find out on snap. But she actually closed and got off at 2. Regardless she found out and said hbd to me. It was nice but when 2 came around she said she wanted to reschedule to another night after I already showered and got the house ready for her. It really hurt my heart and it being my bday was just the icing on the cake. I just fell asleep on the couch in my living room where i was waiting for her to cone. This is going to be really sporadic i'm sorry but also only one friend of mine sent me a midnight bday text and it's so stupid to care about stupid meaningless shit like that but it really hurt knowing my best friends didn't know. One of my best friends told me in the morning after seeing it on socials. But my very best friend didn't wish me hbd at all. It's 9pm now and he still hasnt and I don't think he knows but it really hurts that he didn't remember. We've been best friends for 8 years. Since middle school really and he's forgotten twice before. I know his bday by heart and i know i would know weeks before it came. I just feel like I have all these best friends but i'm none of their very best friends. And it hurts a lot. Also my family likes to have celebrations but i hate birthdays and i hate the attention and i always feel like i want to cry when everyone is looking at me while they sing. I just hate the attention. I had compromised or so I thought with my mom for it to be just us and my dad and his girlfriend but no my whole family came. I just hate the feeling of being celebrated it doesn't feel genuine and i always feel like everyone dislikes me. But let it be known here i keep all of this in. No one in my family knows i get really sad and anxious about stuff like this except for my mom. On the way to the dinner i cried while driving in the car just thinking about all the people waiting there for me. It just feels so fake. I cant even describe the feeling i just feel so unwanted. My mom of course saw me crying and it made it worse. She consoled me but it was too late i had to go now. There, i just sat at the end of the table and talked to my cousins while my aunts, my mom, my dad, my grandma, and everyone talked. Increasingly my mom got more and more drunk because she has a problem sort of and she just talks and talks about me about everything and has no filter. She's very outspoken. She spoke about the girl i like and how she comes over and of course everyone asked if i have a gf and i just said no and tried my best to let the topic pass. Eventually one of my aunts boyfriend left because my mom said something crazy and then my mom and my grandma (her mom) got into it. Meanwhile im just sitting there watching because my birthday's always never become about me. Well we left and of course my mom has to debrief and she just talked about how her and my dad still love each other and all this other shit. Also my mom tried to smear frosting on my face and i blocked it naturally and she overreacted and got angry that i "hit" her when i just wasn't in the mood for cake on my face and i was just saying stop because she was being aggressive and shouting(she was half joking half serious). Now im home and i'm just so bummed and if I could I would never have a birthday again. It bums me out every year and i feel like people say that they hate their birthday and they're dismissed because it's their birthday and u "cant be sad on it", but you really can be. Sorry that was so jumbled and everywhere and i'm on mobile.