I hate myself more than anything. I want to kill myself but I'm scared of death. I have successfully pushed almost everyone away. I can only use pictures to describe my thoughts at this point. I get bullied at school because I'm gay. I have no friends groups. I have two close friends of which only need me when they're bored. My previous friend group fucked me up. Any romantic relationships only last short term. "God gives the hardest challenges to his strongest" but I'm fucking weak. I can't handle watching people have fun without me. I can't handle shit. God has got to be punishing me. I don't want this. I don't want "development" I want to live normal teenage years not this hell. I can't trust anyone. I have to be SH free this summer unless I want my parents to find out. I have no talents no worth. No hobbies. All I am is a blank slate with feelings. Why did God give me feelings? I don't want these. I jave no personality, no friends, not even an opinion so why did he bother if he's going to make me this miserable. I don't want to die but I can't do this anymore. I'm not something people want I'm something they have. I don't think I can do this anymore. I want to have kids one day. Start a new generation for my family. But I also want to kill myself and leave the most gruesome stomach wrenching scene behind as possible. I want to grab a knife and stab my feelings into my stomach. Like a kid trying to scoop ice cream out a bowl with a plastic spoon. I want to vigorously stab my faceup a knife right under my chin. I want to pull out my hair. I want to bang my ugly face onto concrete. I want to cut the fat off my body like a fisherman cuts off the head of q fish. I want to bite my skin off. I want to beat my throat. Anything other than this. Being a person sucks.