I've been having issues with disordered eating/anorexia since I was 14 years old. I'm now 29 and struggling so, so much in recovery.

I started with restriction and exercise bulimia as a teenager and (most likely) met the criteria for anorexia in my early 20s, though I was never diagnosed. I was a runner from when I was 14 to 20 and though I was restricting, I was also working out a lot and I think that made people think I was healthier than I actually was. This is when I started learning ways to hide my ED (under the excuse of being an athlete).

One of my lowest weights coincided with a very stressful time in my life caused by circumstances outside of my control. Because of this, my friends and family were worried about my physical well-being, but I think they thought that it was somewhat understandable because of my situation (akin to someone losing a lot of weight while grieving - alarming, but there's a logical reason for it). In reality, I used it as an excuse to not hide my ED as much and to drop a lot of weight very quickly.

Unfortunately, I was very much visibly underweight at this point. Years passed after my "stressful circumstance" and I was still losing weight. I lost basically all of my muscle mass and focused solely on restriction, so I just looked a lot more sickly. I continued pushing the limits on what I deemed "socially acceptable" levels of ED behavior, but at some point, I couldn't control it anymore and really spiraled downwards. This is when things like random strangers asking me if I had an eating disorder, my loved ones getting *really* concerned, etc. started occurring. I had literally zero social life, pushed away all of my friends, and was a shut-in because I was so afraid of being in a situation where I would have to eat. My mental health was also in a bad place at this point, needless to say. People could tell that something was wrong with me, and I hated that kind of attention.

Fast forward a few years, and luckily I hit a turning point in my emotional health. This is when I started to consider myself in recovery for my ED, though I didn't seek professional help for it. But I actively worked on stopping my restriction, gained weight (in a healthy way) and felt better overall. I still had disordered tendencies with food sometimes, but it was probably the best my ED has ever been.

Then I moved to a city where orthorexia is literally 100% normalized. Even if you don't have an ED/disordered eating, I feel like people don't bat an eye here if you're weird about food, especially if you're at a socially acceptable weight (i.e., not deathly looking). The restrictive parts of diets like keto and going vegan remind me of my old ana days. I also work in a field where skipping meals because you need to finish that report/pulling all nighters/etc. is also normalized (and almost a badge of honor?).

Anyway, I also discovered that I had become extremely lactose intolerant in my mid 20s. I started thinking about food in an obsessive way again because almost everything I was eating had dairy and I felt sick all of the time. I was back to looking at nutrition labels for ingredients lists, and the calories would scream at me in bold font every single time. I started getting stressed out about eating out again because I got sick a few times even after being assured that my food was lactose-free (milk-free and lactose-free are not the same thing).

All of this led to me restricting again. To this very day. And actually, it's never been easier for me to thrive and revel in my ED. I've shifted from feeling like someone in recovery that still engages in disordered eating to feeling like someone with an ED with leftover habits from recovery. I'm underweight, but not overly so. Just enough for people to compliment me, but not enough for them to ask me about my ED to my face. I still feel disgust when I look at my body, but I know that I'm "skinny enough" to quell some of my ED mind. I'm not as afraid of eating, so I'll go out with my friends for dinner, knowing that I can just avoid seeing them the next day and not eat for 24 hours. Or I can skip meals because "I'm busy" or "I forgot to eat" and it's fine. Back in the day, I would have never told someone that I didn't eat all day and that I feel lightheaded because of it - but now, I do and as long as I reassure them that this I think this is "bad," they brush it off. I gained a little bit of weight since I moved here and I've maintained it, so people think I'm healthier than I was before and they're happy for me. My hair has grown back, I don't look like I'm literally dying, and the camera adds 10 pounds on social media.

But I'm still miserable on the inside. I know I have to fight extra hard now to stop hurting myself again. But I feel like all of these years, I've tried to hide my disordered eating (to varying degrees of success) and now, I've finally figured it out. I've cracked the code. I'm at a place where I get to restrict, but people don't bug me about it. I no longer want to be a literal skeleton and die. But I still want to lose about 15 pounds and the only way for me to get there is by starving. It's so easy for me to do it, especially compared to before.

**tldw**; went from full blown anorexia -> disordered eating (EDNOS) while now only very slightly underweight. EDNOS is way easier to hide than anorexia and I like it :(