She is/was the most caring, bright, considerate person I’ve met. She is also open minded, intelligent, hard working and extremely supportive. My grandfather told me, on his deathbed, that she is the one. She is also incredibly physically attractive. I thought things were going fine. We, not even a month ago signed a year long lease, without a second thought (for me).

We had been together for 4 years, living together for almost all of that time. Went on many road trips and adventures. Some problems came up, but the almost all of them had to do with her dysfunctional family, and how they negatively affect our lives and relationship.

There was a significant event with a family member of hers in May that led to me basically giving her an ultimatum (them or me). I softened on that stance to to essentially have her accept that her family will no longer be in my life. She accepted.

I’ve been working out of town for about a month. The whole time I’ve been out here she has been acting distant. I didn’t feel that she was making it a priority to connect with me, and when we did connect it always seemed like there was something off. She went on a motorcycle ride and to the gym with another guy/co worker (with my “permission”) who up until recently she suspected was romantically interested in her (but she said she no longer thought that because he hadn’t “made a move on her”).

About 4 days ago she told me that she was unfaithful. She was at her best friends wedding last weekend. She said she got very drunk. A guy (stranger) kissed her on the lips, and she didn’t stop him. He asked to to go on a walk. She did and they made out.

I’ve been pretty pathetic lately. The last year and a half ish have really taken a toll. Lots of family dying, including my 17 year old sister overdosing. Bed bugs twice. Sporadic work, leading to financial troubles. The event with her family member. Failing multiple industry exams, preventing me from finishing (for the time being) my electrical license. Very little sex, and several times I’ve been turned down which was very hard on my ego and lessened my desire to try again.

All contribute to my mental state lately. Basically a slug on a couch. I still did most of the household chores as well as drive her around (she was working full time, part time and taking 2 university courses, so I had no problem with that).

She said she hasn’t been attracted to me in months. Understandable. But the whole time I’ve been in this state, she’s been nothing but supportive. No complaints, no tough love. “Tomorrow will be better babe”.

She said, in uncertain terms, that her sense of independence has been low because of all that I’ve been doing for her. I thought that was how relationships worked. I could see some discomfort if someone was doing a lot for you if you didn’t really want to be with them any more.

So I think that’s just what it is. Since the event in May, and the “ultimatum” she no longer wanted to be with me, even if she didn’t realize it. She wasn’t self aware, or honest enough with herself to say “I don’t blame you for feeling that way, but I can’t have a boyfriend who feels that way towards my family”. So she just put herself in a situation that she could have reasonably expected would lead to being unfaithful, thus ending our relationship.

I should have had an inkling, considering she did essentially the same thing to her ex (not with me). But truly, I couldn’t have imagined that she would do this. Up until the moment she told me, I would have bet all my possessions that she wasn’t capable of it, even with the fucked up communication and the motorcycle guy. Can you tell this is my first time being cheated on (is that even what this is called? I don’t know).

So since then it’s just been an unrelenting barrage of anger, despair, sadness, jealousy, sleepless nights and speculation. Did she fuck the motorcycle guy (she says no). Did she blow that guy on their walk (she says no). Should I have been more possessive, and not given her permission to ride on the back of buddies bike? Would that have been attractive?

We’ve cut most communication until I get home in about a month. I don’t feel the need to make any decisions till I’m home, though she has said basically that she wants to break up and work on herself. A big part of me wants to win her back, show her that I can help her work on herself. We had plans for the future. But I know that it would be very hard to trust her. And a decent chunk, the self respecting chunk wants to work on myself and find someone better, with a good family and a career.

Thank you for reading my incoherent stream of consciousness, if you did. I don’t know that I’m looking for advise, just wanting get my thoughts of my head. It’s going to be a tough month, but I think I’m better off knowing now why things have been weird. I would have lost my marbles completely if she hadn’t told me.