This was going to be sent to my ex that taught me what true love was. After I was done writing it, I was about to highlight and delete it. But I felt like it needed to be read. I needed to get it off my chest
Posted Apr 24, 2019 23:57 by anonymous
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I was thinking about what Alex said to you yesterday. Something about how you're always so kind and easy to talk to, how you'll never be alone. That was very kind of him, I was surprised he said that.
Something about it bothered me however. I tried to ignore it, thinking it was because I had a painful crush on you so long ago. It was an easy enough answer anyway. Maybe it was some kind of twisted jealousy. But it just didn't sit right. It felt like I was trying to force to puzzle pieces together, forgetting about the big picture. So, forever being cursed with the question "why," I continued to think
There was another thing that was said yesterday. Something that juxtaposed Alex's comment. What you said about Orion. You talked about him like he was just a funny story, a fictional character almost. No significance to his story but a silly love letter he wrote to you. But I of all people know that when a guy sits down to write a love letter, as cringy as it might seem, there's a ton of love and soul behind it. To disregard something like that, to bring it up to friends like joke. It made me wonder what you say about me to your other friends
As I sat reading for English, I found it. I found the missing puzzle piece. You see, Alex is right. You are kind, and extremely easy to talk to. Nevermind beautiful and funny. But this gift doubles as a curse. You'll never seem to understand just what it feels to be turned away. To be told no. To be forgotten about again and again, sometimes on purpose. It's a humbling experience to say the least, really puts things into perspective. People may react to it one way, maybe another. But I feel like it's an experience that must be felt by everyone. Because only then will a person realized what they have, and how easily it can be lost.
No, this is not a love letter. Nor is it a last ditch effort for a date. As much as I complain about being single, I think dating is something that's behind me. Either way, I feel this text may be shared among your friends and maybe even laughed at. It'll become another story brought up for giggles or to lighten the mood. Not because I believe you're a monster looking to attack me, other people already have taken that role. But because you have never experienced the raw emotion behind these words. Behind Orion's words. Behind the words when Harrison asked you out. And behind the "why" I asked you when you told me you didn't want a relationship. That simple but cursed question that haunts me day to day.
You may be thinking, these are some pretty bold claims for someone who has only talked to you once in the past two years. And yes, they are bold. But I believe they are justified. Justified because when I talked to you yesterday, when I saw the way you acted, laughed, thought, and smiled, I felt loss. Loss not for you. I felt loss for myself. Don't tell Rob, but I feel the same loss when I talk to him. Maybe on a lesser extent but the same loss all the same. You see, when I see you, I see the perfect reflection of who I could've been. I could've been that happy, that confident, that popular. I was that happy, confident and popular. But one hit after another, I saw who I was degrade into who I am. Angry, anxious, annoying, and self conscious. I lost most of who I was within the last years. I've been actively trying to get it back. Trying to become the man I once was. But it's a grueling process. One that you always have to go through alone. Because once you get pegged as the angry student with anxiety, people keep their distance. Even worse, once you peg yourself as the angry student with anxiety you force yourself into that distance. And then, every single day I must be forced to look into the face of the person I once was, the man I'm trying to be, and see how happy they are. How simple their life is, and how perfect things fall into place for them. Sometimes I'd prefer to loose myself into insanity then look into that face
That paragraph should be deleted. Edited in post before being sent. For two reasons. It shows who I am, how I think, and how I view myself. But also, it feeds into your hidden ego. It further distances you from me, from us, from we who suffer. You can pretend to understand, to swear you feel the pain behind each syllable and phrase, but you never will. You never had to write a love letter in hopes of getting noticed. You never had to hold your breath and tell someone how you felt about them, fully knowing they feel nothing towards you. You never felt it. You were always the one giving it. You were never cursed with the unholy question of "why."
What do I hope to achieve here is unknown to me. I guess I wish to receive some closure. To not only write the story if who I am, but to conclude it as well. To write to you, just one time, asking not for love, but for understanding. I want for you to truly understand what was the significance of Alex's comment yesterday, and the curse behind those words.
**Please be kind when reading these words. You can say my thoughts are wrong, I even welcome it. Just please be kind. It already hurts**
Commented Jun 9, 2020 15:42 by anonymous
It's hard but you have to move on from this person. The best way to get over her (I assume it is a her - this is so vague) is to get with someone else. Not easy, I admit. But eventually all that you feel for this person will fade somewhat and you will remember mostly her cruelty. I still carry a torch (or at least a little candle) for a few women from my past, but you learn to live with it. The main thing that happened was that they dumped you before you got over them, but you probably would have gotten sick of her after two or three years - because that's what humans do. So just imagine having lived with this person and how annoying that would have been. That will help you get over her.