I’m 25. I’ve been through a few things. Struggled with alcoholism and drug abuse and still do. I wait tables for a living for the moment. I’m not sure I’m gonna make rent next month both because I’m an idiot spending money on things that I shouldn’t and also because it’s just been a relatively slow month at work. It’s often not enough. I work at a sports bar and I typically struggle around this time every month, but I make it. This time I’m way behind. My dad died in 2015 and I’m still not over it. I am full of grief. All I wanna do is talk to him and ask his advice but I do not have it. My mom is a lovely woman and does help me where she can, but I miss the voice of my father. I feel like no matter what I do I’m just Sisyphus rolling this boulder up a mountain. Both in my interior life and with real life. Today was the first day I thought about calling a suicide hotline, and that’s a new one for me. I just feel like I’m never going to make it, like I’ll never make my inner child or my mom or my dad or my God proud. I feel like a waste of a human being and nothing I do ever seems to be enough. I just want to feel okay. I am recently out of a three year relationship which was highly abusive, and my roommate and I ended up kicking her out and it’s all good now but in my insanity I still miss her or rather, I miss not being alone. I can’t talk to my roommate about my problems and I do talk to my mom about them but I don’t think she quite understands them. I feel lost. And lonely. I try to take refuge and trust in God, but I feel no relief. For those that are religious, please pray for me. If you are not, or if you have read this far, thank you. Send me your good vibes. I’m at my wits end.