Hi I’m OP, I’m 23F.
I’ll start this all with my relationship. I was with BF(26m) for only almost a year but we ended up falling pretty hard. We had an amazing spark. I never felt more connected to someone.
I’m not going to go into detail about this part, but he was in recovery, I won’t say for what. I knew this almost from the beginning, he was pretty open about it. But his behaviors ended up absorbing most of the relationship. There was an episode in April, where he sat me down and admitted to cheating on me. But once again, I stuck through it. Because I knew he was trying. I know it sounds ridiculous. But the cheating was directly related to a slip in his recovery. And I wanted to stick it out with him and get through it with him because I loved him so much. And he was making progress too. I saw it every day. And after that, absurdly enough, we became even closer. I definitely had to fill in the gaps of the relationship that he could not always fill on his end, but I knew it wasn’t forever. He was getting better before my eyes. He was sincere and I admired his humility and how he strived to better himself.
Then at the end of July, something awful happened. I was having a night out with coworkers, and I was raped. The worst night of my life. BF wasn’t with me. I drank, I don’t drink that often for my age, I don’t think. I didn’t think I was that drunk until I was. There was also weed, and I usually don’t mix. Huge mistake. I don’t normally smoke anyway. If just one detail changed that night, it wouldn’t have happened. But it did. I said no multiple times, pushed him away. I even cried at one point. I also wasn’t with it the whole time, I remember waking up in a gasp to him inside of me. It’s the most scarring event of my life. And it haunts me every day. There’s a lot about that night I wish I had done differently. I wish I stood up for myself more, fought for myself more, and didn’t let him get away with what he did. There were a lot of times I could have just simply asked for help, I could have just done something. But I didn’t in the moment. Idk why. I just couldn’t. I’m not a physical person either. I’ve never been in a fight before, I’ve never had to use force before in my life. And I just froze. After saying no so many times and pushing away so many times, I froze because I didn’t know what to do next. I was in denial about what was going on and I didn’t think it would go that far. I kept giving this guy, who was supposed to be my friend, the benefit of the doubt that he would stop since I said no. And it felt like every time I said no or stop or pushed him away, it just made him more determined. Things took the actual escalation I talked about above, after we left the club. He ended up inviting himself into my Uber, and I said nothing. I made excuses in my head, “oh he’s drunk and we are so close to my place, he can crash on my couch. People always take the couch at my place.” Stupid. I was being so naive. In my mind he was still someone I trusted. God knows why. I was scared. In denial. I didn’t want to think he was capable. Also the other people there just took off and I was left all alone with him outside. I just felt cornered. I look back horrified over how much I ignored in just pure fear of conflict, and fear of facing the possibility of what was going on. BF checks on me and I said I was fine. Why? I don’t know. I really don’t. I know I kept telling myself I could “handle it myself.” And “it’s not going to get worse. I can get him to leave. He will listen.” It’s really hard for me to ask for help in general and it really reared it’s head that night. I have this weird complex where I feel bad asking for help. Like I’m troubling people who don’t need to troubled by me. Idk. It’s twisted.
Anyway, when we got back to my place (around 4am) I started literally folding laundry to show him how uninterested I was. But he kept pushing me. I remember I tried to tell him “no listen to me.” And he said with a creepy ass laugh “no you listen to me.” And that’s when I gave up, that’s when I just froze. I whimpered/cried one last “no” when he undressed me, which made him flinch and stop for a second, but he shook it off and kept going.
I’m in so much pain over this. I just wish i handled the situation differently. I wish. I feel so stupid. Crossfading can be so dangerous people, please be careful out there. Please.

Anyway i went to BF as soon as I could. He had work and I didn’t want to drop something like that while he was at work. But when I went to tell him as soon as he got out, he barely let me talk, he flipped out and said I cheated on him. Told me we were over and to get out of his apartment. It all happened so fast, I was in hysterics, and I just really needed him. After all he had gone through and all the support I gave him, I didn’t understand why he was responding this way. He dropped off everything of ours the next night, and I thought that was the end. In one weekend, I felt like I lost everything. I finally was happy and I just lost it all. BF messaged me a few days later, once again ripping into me. Saying I ruined everything we built together. And all this insensitive stuff. He had no clue, nor did he care to have a clue about what I actually went through. Why on earth, if all I did was cheat.. would I go to him in hysterics about it? Why would I even tell him anything? Why would I be seeking help with what happened to me? I just don’t understand his logic. After everything we have been through, after everything he knew about me, why would he think I’d do something so horrible?
Another week passed and he reached out. I told him to come over. We sat on my stoop and talked. He apologized for his response to it all. We cried together. He said with the program of recovery he’s in, he needs space to heal on his own and stand on his own two feet, and that we should still be broken up. He said he can’t handle the responsibility of a relationship. Totally makes sense. I agreed, I told him to do what he needed to do. Though I desperately just wanted things to work. He ended up staying the night though. We slept together, I cried a lot during. It was dark. But at the same time i felt relief that the last person who touched me wasn’t a monster anymore, it was someone who loved me.
After he left the next day I was confused about us, but I was just going to deal with it I guess. I ended up going to the police that week and reporting my rape. I also found out that he said some things to coworkers before it happened, which showed his actions were premeditated. He’s not at my job anymore. So I finally felt safe at work again. I’m still dealing with a lot of bad days and nights, reliving it, but it’s getting better. Slowly but surely.

Then BF reached out again... and again, and again, and this began around a month and a half of us not being together, but constantly seeing each other, sometimes twice a week, and avoiding the inevitable. He said I was the love of his life and that when he was done with the 12 steps, we would try again. Because he loved me. I said I’d wait for him. I’m just starting up school again and I could use this time to focus on me. This whole time we were on the same page, I thought. He would bring up our future, say wonderful things. And i believed him. I wanted him in my life. I’ve just never felt this way. I believe he was genuine too. He’s a really good person, he just has a lot of demons he’s battling. He really has a good heart. His initial reaction was no bueno, but he’s human and shock does things, and I can understand how he was confused about that night.
I wrote him a lot, a little too much. Maybe like 4 letters in a couple of weeks. These last two weeks we were good about not too much contact. I told him I was sorry for all the letters and to let me know if he needed me to stop. He said not to worry and that he liked getting them.
Then a little over a week ago, he invited me over again. I rolled my eyes but of course I went. I even told him when I got there that it’s starting to get old, and that I love him a lot but I feel like if we don’t take proper space we will ruin a future we could have. He agreed. We said this would be the last time. We spent the night together, and into the morning. I accompanied him to work. It was emotional but we left each other on a good note. A few kisses goodbye and a “see you on the other side.” I thought everything was going to be okay. I felt okay. Bittersweet, but I had hope.
Then literally the next day out of nowhere he sends a text saying he just needs to focus on himself and this program, not to wait for him anymore, that this was the hardest decision he’s had to make. He said not to write him, don’t make any contact. And then he blocked me before I could say anything. I was in so much shock, I had a complete mental breakdown. Why wouldn’t he call me or tell me in person? After all we’ve been through, why would I deserve just a text and a block? What changed in 24 hours? I understand his need for self betterment, but this was so extreme and so cruel. I just don’t understand. He said he wanted a future with me, among many other things. Piles and piles of messages about how much he loved me and said I was the love of his life. Just to end in a text and a block out of nowhere. It was devastating.
So I wrote. He said not to write. But I wrote. I wanted my closure too. After everything, and how he always put my feelings to the side, after all the times he called the shots and I had to be silenced, it was my turn to stand up for myself. So I did that. I wasn’t cruel though. That’s not who I am at all. But I said that I deserved better than the way he treated me in the end. I said that he dragged me on his ride this passed month and a half. And that if he wasn’t sure about how he felt about me, then he shouldn’t have reached out in the first place. He should have just let me heal. And that he was completely insensitive to what I had gone through. And that for now, he had to stop talking to me and let me heal. The cycle had to stop. He always says he won’t reach out but he does, so I needed to voice what this whole thing was doing to me. And if he decided to reach out when he was well (I emphasized that that would be far in the future) to check his motives first, because I can’t take the mind games anymore. I said I won’t wait because he told me not to. But I also said I believed in him, that he will get well. And told him I will treasure our good times together. It was more of a tough love letter, rather than anything nasty. Because I love him so much. I really do. I rewrote it a bunch before sending it. I wanted to make sure it was just how I wanted it. So I sent it and I thought that was the end. That was the closure I needed. He said he wasn’t going to talk to me anymore anyway. So this should have been the end. Boy was I wrong.
I was having a going away party (which he knew about.) with close friends I haven’t seen in a while. And right in the middle of the party I received an absolutely vile message from him. He said I was a manipulative person and tore me apart as a human being. Then he started the whole thing again about how I basically just cheated on him that night. Then he blamed me for what happened. Yet kept contradicting himself saying I “didn’t deserve what happened to me” so idk what he thinks. I think he was just trying to hit me where it hurts. If he wasn’t he would have just let it go and left me alone. Idk it was just a really cruel message. Since I was hosting a party that night, I had been drinking. I stupidly begged him to come over. I didn’t want to leave things like that. And I didn’t want to believe that he meant the things he said in his message. It turned out to be a super toxic night. The conversation was painful and just made me feel worse. Yet I let him stay over again. And he left early in the morning. He kind of apologized for putting me through all he did and that he would leave me alone now. But I wanted to make sure he would. So I went on my phone and noticed he was still watching my social media, (stories, etc. messenger) so I finally just blocked him on everything. I’m done and I can’t take this anymore. I hope this is the end. I can’t take him walking all over me, walking in and out of my life anymore. In the end, he treated me horribly and let his problems consume him. I felt like I was going crazy with him. He got in my head and made me feel horrible about myself. I can’t defend him anymore. I can’t help. I can’t put myself in the line of fire anymore. He just isn’t who I thought he was, and he doesn’t love me like I thought he did. I need peace. I need time to heal and focus on myself and love myself. I need to grow strength and continue therapy so I can be better about who I let into my life. I need to focus on school that I’m about to start. I’m so tired of being sad, I’m so tired of the anxiety. It’s now or never. I’ve got to face it head on now and I can’t let him pull me down with him anymore. I can’t pull myself down either. I’ve gotta finally be strong.