I have loved this person for years. We were always friends but we tried dating and I messed it up. Without getting too much into detail, it was in a way that is irreparable and cannot be fixed or saved. I didn’t do anything “bad,” i just dropped the ball when it came to being a potential partner for her. I let my emotions get in the way of my life. I let my depression and anxiety take over. I wasn’t my best self.

I am in shock. It still hasn’t sunk in yet that it is truly over, forever. I’ve told myself for years that if i ever had the chance to date her I’d be the luckiest man alive. When I got that chance I was in disbelief. It was like a dream coming true. I have literally dreamt of her. I felt unworthy. I felt like I did not deserve her. I guess I was right. Now I am in disbelief that all of this actually happened.

I hate feeling like there’s nothing I can do about it. I can’t call her. I can’t text her. I can’t ask for another chance. I’m helpless, and broken. I am absolutely desperate for hope, hoping one day I will see her again and maybe it will be different. But I know that’s just a lie I’m telling myself. And it causes me so much pain

I can’t eat, I can’t sleep. I’ve lost 25 lbs. I wake up crying. My coworkers ask me why I’m so withdrawn.

I feel bad for her, and sorry if i wasn’t what she expected. I’m sorry she went through this situation, I’m sorry if she felt let down. She has her own things and I just want her to be happy, and I wish I could be helping her and bringing joy into her life, but instead I feel like I just brought confusion and discomfort. I wish I could apologize, or make it up to her. But everything I have tried to do to bring her closer has only pushed her further away.

Most importantly, she no longer has feelings for me. She told me as much. I feel devastated. I am trying to move on but I am grieving, thinking about what could have been, and filled with regret. I just have to give her her space and respect her choice. But that doesn’t mean it doesn’t fucking hurt. It’s so painful. I just want to lay in bed and sleep the days away. I always knew this was a possibility but I didn’t want to accept it. Now it’s my reality.

I’m bargaining, thinking maybe one day something will happen. Maybe there’s something i can do. But there’s not. And I feel helpless. I feel alone. I’m just heartbroken. When you see the guy finally get the girl in the movies, it usually goes another way. But this isn’t a movie. This is just life.