I’ve posted on here about this before.

I pushed away one of the people I love the most. And I know he loves me greatly. But I have so many deeply rooted issues right now that I did not handle well and as a result our relationship came to a halt.

This man is my peace. I can only say it’s akin to the comfort your mother gave you as a child. I haven’t had love like that from my parents since I was very little. I’ve had relationships and close friendships that have filled my heart but not like he does. Both of us have spent our lives looking to be understood and to find our place and we truly found it in one another.

I’m dealing with a lot of things right now in my life and it’s incredibly trying, and more than anything I just want to drive up to his door most days and just bury my face in his neck but I know that even though that’s what I want in the moment, it’s not going to get us to where we both want to be in the long run.

Details aside I have to be my own person and I have to fight my battles as an individual first. He’s still there to answer my frantic middle of the night phone calls and talk to me until I’m so calm I swear I could just go to sleep after we get off the phone. He’s still there with words of encouragement for me everyday. But these hard times, I just simply have to hold myself together and learn to be me and to love myself so I can love him the way I want to. It’s cliche but it’s the way things are between us.

I love him so much that I’m trying, for the first time, to love myself. I know that sounds ridiculous. But if he can love me- probably the greatest man I’ve ever known- then I can and should love myself.

We are many miles apart for the holidays but he’s still snuggled up next to me in my mind. His love for me is like a talisman. This is the one of the most heart wrenching experiences of my life but I’m willing to go through the pain to have something even better with the only person I want to share my life with like this.

Sometimes it’s just hard. That’s all.