I was recently tested positive for HSV-2. Maybe I'm angry because it's part of the grieving process, but, here I go.

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I have continuously asked my original OB/GYN for a full panel STD test, including herpes. Late last year, I was more adamant since I was dating someone new and I wanted to make sure that I was ok before we got intimate. Her response? "No need. You're showing no signs." I asked for a blood test. She still said "no", since, according to her (and many other doctors I've come to realize) believe that blood testing isn't as much of an accurate indicator as opposed to actual lesions. I was naive and was relieved. I took that as me not having it.

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Zoom to a month ago. I moved to a new town with my new boyfriend. A few days after having unprotected sex, I slowly started feeling the worse pain I could ever imagine. It was so bad that my boyfriend dragged me to the ER. It's where my life turned upside down: the doctor said it looked like I had herpes. I was mortified. Immediately, I demanded to be tested. My boyfriend did as well. He showed no physical symptoms and was told that it might be more complicated with him since he doesn't have any actual signs. Still, he demanded it.

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He tested negative while I did not. My boyfriend told me that he loved me no matter what and that it will be ok.

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I was still shocked and refused to believe it. I set up an appointment with a new OB/GYN to go over the results. She confirmed it. She and her nurse hugged me. They proceeded to tell me that herpes is actually common.

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I'm furious for the following:

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1. Being turned down to be tested. I put my partner at risk for this...all because doctor(s) don't want to. I know for a fact that I'm not the only one. I've read way too many stories with people with the same experience as me. It's damn ridiculous that doctors are scared or just don't want to do it since sometimes tests give false positives.
2. Being told that herpes is common. WTF. That's even worse. It's a pandemic and doctors are letting us roam free without us being tested. Also, it's everywhere and there's nothing being done to prevent it medically. Of COURSE it's common! Do they WANT us to all be infected or something? That's why it's being spread like wildfire!

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It's been a trying month to say the least. I'm still recovering mentally and physically. I've lost weight. I'm struggling to keep focus on things. Worst of all, I feel guilty about my boyfriend. I put him at risk and I keep thinking that I could've ruined his life (he's retesting in four months). This all could've been prevented had I been tested for herpes like I asked. Had I known, I could've been honest with my boyfriend about it and handled our sex life differently. Still, my boyfriend has been my rock throughout all of this, even when I tell him that we should breakup because he can find someone better. He reminds me that it doesn't mean anything to him. But, it does to me.

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I HATE how our healthcare system treats herpes. I personally thinking Big Pharma wants it to spread since they make big $$$ off herpes antivirals.

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I also blame myself, though. I should've been more stern with being tested for herpes. When my original OB/GYN refused, I should've gone elsewhere.

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I feel gross. I hate looking at myself. I have a hard time getting out of bed in the morning. I hate my life and am depressed. It's going to be a long road to recovery, both physically and mentally.