I just need to get this off my chest..it's not a pretty story and it's all sadly very true. I don't know how life gets you here..but believe me if I was told this was to become a part of my life story I wouldn't believe you..

I could not sleep last night, my daughter kept tossing and turning onto to me. Everytime I woke up, that dog of yours was making hellish sounds across the hotel room, it was difficult to sleep. Everytime I woke up I would look across and beside our daughter you seemed peacefully asleep. I cuddled our daughter so I could get close to you , I just wanted to hold your hand and tell you how beautiful you are to me, it kills me inside. I didn't want to stay the night here, I know you don't have the feelings I have and you abandoned those same emotions 5 years ago.

I was not perfect in our marriage and I am currently still repenenting for my sins. I picked up our daughter from the sitter an hour before bed time, we checked in to the hotel room at 3pm and shot for four hours straight. We both were not feeling it and I knew a lot of the content was going to be useless. It didn't matter, I was there with you and enabling you. I hate myself for it..however as I told you before if this is what you wanted your life to be I would support you. I have always been there for you, even if it does not mean much to you or you can't show it..I am there for you. And now you are asking me again to pick up our kid and spend the night in this hotel and play family for a night and pretend like this is normal. I know I will wake up in the morning happy, just long enough to realize we're not all back together and that you will go on about your week like it was nothing.

I am not sure how a man disregards his marriage, loses the girl and spends four years of emotional pain ends up photographing his ex lovers porn. That part for some reason does not hurt me.. When you ask me to stay the night as friends and share the bed with our kid it kills me. It's all I want in life, forget the sexual side of things I just want our family back.

I am not the kind of person to be doing this yet somehow I have a nack for it. I picked it all up pretty quick and I still have a lot to learn.. Regardless, I work hard and spend most of my time with our daughter. I don't drink or do drugs, I've made friends with other single dad's and schedule play dates..How did I get here? Why do I love you so much? Why can't I feel anything for anyone else? How do I go back to my 9-5 job and pretend like this is an okay way to live..

You drank all day during the shoot like the last one, you asked me to spend the night again. I tried to tell you that I would being her to you so you can both spend the night rotgether. You took it as rejection and we argued for an hour. You asked me why I didn't want to spend the night and told me I was selfish for not wanting it, that she would be happy that she had us both there even for just one night.

I told you, that it's one boundary I couldn't cross because I would always love you and to experience all of us together would tear me apart because it wasn't real..Your eyes were red, full of tears and yet you couldn't explain yourself and how you felt. So you turned it on me, and no matter what I said it was all bullshit and I was being too emotional. So I stayed quiet and apologized, and agreed to spend the night. I was so hurt and sad..but I kept up the act because you lost yourself and you don't know who you are anymore.

I know I am pathetic, that I take on this much guilt and shame and accept terms that are beyond okay for me to accept. Someone has to be there for you..I can't just walk away and not know that you are okay and if our daughter will be okay with you. I'll just sacrafice more to allow you to be supported..

As I drove us to pick her up, you talked about all the old memories of our first nice apartment. Where she was born and the fond memories. You said it in a way that took our marriage our of it, I let you talk as I thought about these memories with you and how much I missed them. How we brought our daughter home there from the hospital, how we learned how to cook and be parents. How I wish we could go back there, that I didn't ignore you and make you feel so alone..maybe if I was a good husband then you wouldn't be shooting porn and i wouldn't be holding the camera.

I know it's impossible to change the current reality. I promised I would support you, I just don't know how much longer I can do it for. I don't know what's right anymore so will just see where this takes us..