There is the impression that life in the 21st Century is the most stress-free, luxurious and comforting times to live in than ever before. While it is certainly true if you compare it to other times in history, I seriously disagree becuase it is the most stressful, anxiety-driven, unbelievably fast-paced and unbelievably confusing and competitive time to live in and I feel like this every single day

I've struggled with anxiety, depression, PTSD and a bit of anorexia nervosa and OCD. I've been through bullying, abuse, emotional neglect. I go to therapy (still do. It is a slow process), I try to find time to practice mindfulness, meditation, using the self-aware teachings of stoicism, Gestalt psychotherapy, and even use art as self-expression or use my love for the military and martial arts as self expression of my own personal battles, practicing anything that keeps me motivated and resilient against all the demons that I have to face every single day. But these are demons that in some way or another, they are within my control but these demons I am referring to, they are not within my control. In fact, most of them are beyond my control or anyone else's

Either I am fighting, or I am working hard like an animal desperate for survival, or feel like I am some competitor in the Hunger Games vying to reach the top, or I am racing or I am so deep into all my anxieties and fears and drowning into this ocean of unbelievable paranoia, that I end up doing nothing at all or feeling like I am doing nothing at all because I cannot think or feel or so overblown with thoughts that I feel like a soul-less skeleton sometimes



I want to take it slow because I know that things take time. But knowing that, I keep reminding myself about the phrase "life is short" that I've been told countless times and I end up trying to make haste.

I want to keep up everything but I just cannot enjoy the moment when I am doing something, sometimes not even to eat or sleep or shower. I always feel like I am in a hurry, always anticipating rushedly for the next thing just to get on with it. Read the book as fast as possible. Skip a few episodes of a series so that you skip all the build-ups and get to the end quickly. Forget absorbing every detail of the environment that you are in, just be there for 2 mins and get on with it and keep going to the next one and catch up.

I want to focus on some things than others but knowing that, someone will become better than me in other things. Or if I focus on some things, then I miss out on other things. That makes me try hard but I do not know if I am doing it because I want to try hard or because I have to try hard. At the same time, I want to hurry up as much as possible becusse I feel like I am wasting time by the second

I want to focus on doing many things but I need to get to plan, organise, make time with work and responsibilities, make time with focusing that I can do and that I know why I want to do it, but it is hasty, scary and overbearing. I feel like even if I try to take my time with the details, still feel like 2 mins feels like 2 hours. I feel like that with each minute that goes by, no matter what I do, no matter how much I try to pay attention, I feel like I am wasting my time and feel like I should be doing something else which sometimes me want to rethink my plans.

I want to experience and enjoy things. Sometimes I even want to experience the opposite as well because I want to feel again. But it is so hurriedly and scary lately, so much anxiety, so much depression, so much stuff, so many things that I just cannot feel anymore. It is too much and not even when I try to even feel anything, there is something that is stopping me from doing it like my soul has been lost or locked away in a chest and burried deep down in the deepest ocean where nothing is able to reach it.

I want to do many things but I keep reminding myself of the other stuff that I have to do, duties, responsibilities, taking care of myself, keeping up with my own battles. At the same time, the things that I do or want to do, sometimes I wonder if it is because I want to do them or because I have to do them or otherwise, I will not keep up with the world or I will be left behind in this race.

Sometimes I want to calm down but calming down makes me feel anxious and feeling anxious makes me feel even more anxious and that makes me want to calm down or having to bear constant anxiety all the time day and night and the cycle continues. Or sometimes, calming down makes me feel empty becuase I do not how to think at that state

I want to go out and make memories and friends but I know that even making friends is not easy and that takes time and I know that there is things that I cannot control and I cannot keep up on things about time. My mind is always telling me to hurry up and not waste anything. Any person that is no good to me is nothing but an obstacle or collateral.

I want to think about others too but I cannot. I have the compulsion to be selfish because I have to think for myself because I have to focus on my goals (whatever the hell they are) and focus on myself because otherwise, I will not be a part of the food chain.

I want to live but I am too busy fighting with my demons every day. I am too busy struggling and striving like I am fighting against the apocolypse.



I want to live. I want to be. I want to feel. I want to just be human. But then I ask myself "then what do I want?" and I cannot think of anything and the more that thought pops up in my head, the more my head is telling me to just act quickly and keep going and keep hurrying. In the back of my mind, I feel like I am doing something stupid because I feel like I am punching the gas pedal with no map or direction but I feel that I cannot stop or should not stop because I should not waste time on thinking or pounding what I should or should not be doing or what I actually want to do. Sometimes I end up doing the opposite. Nothing. I feel so overwhelmed that I just cannot do anything at all.



I want to fucking live goddamn it. I know that life is not easy and struggles are always there. But damn it, I want to live but I feel like I cant because I feel like this is what living in the 21st Century is like. Always running. Always racing. Always afraid that if you stop, you will fall behind and be the last one in the race.

And this is how I wonder whether this is what living is like - always fighting. Always struggling. Always in a Game of Thrones-like state where you always have to watch your back and anyone you meet is probably either a foe or a friend but a foe in disguise.

I do not know if this is how I want to live or whether it is even worth it at all