Now, before we begin, this is connected to a previous post of mine detailing how I was abusive in a mutually abusive relationship. I can't figure out how to link to another post on mobile, so just look at my post history. It's titled "a confession from an abused abuser"


Now, while I was abusive physically, she was abusive mentally. She was extremely self-centered, and regularly used her mental illness and threats to break up with me in order to manipulate me into not  getting her help. (She is depressed, and suicidal) when I was down and tried to reach out to her, no matter for what reason, she will immediately go to talking about about how her situation is worse... or better. Without even acknowledging my situation.  Whenever I would inevitably get angry, she would resort to berating herself, saying that she is a horrible person and that she should just die. In order to make me feel guilty. She would usually self-harm (cutting) in order to hammer this feeling home. Make me feel like I put that blade to her skin.


There was one particular instance, despite it happening in summer of 2018, thats still fresh in my mind.
I'm in the RCAC (Royal Canadian Air Cadets so is she.) During the summer we have the opportunity to go on 2-week, 3-week, 6-week training courses, or staffing courses for 7 weeks.
 I applied to a 3 week course, and got accepted into a 6-week course I didn't apply for. I was initially not gonna go. But, due to some "encouragement" from my father, I went.

Around the 4th week, I was not having a very good time. The heat was extremely intense, the drill in said heat was extremely difficult, I had no friends,  I had made enemies.  It was hell. I ended up one evening going on a rant on my snap chat story about how shitty I was feeling. I detailed why... and how I just wanted to go home. I was nearly in tears as I was typing that.
My ex was at an entirely different camp of her own. (3-week) it wasn't as hot, it was on an island shortly into the Pacific Ocean,  and she got to sit inside an air-conditioned building playing her trombone all day.  After I posted my long and detailed rant, her response wasn't sympathy, or understanding. She never even acknowledged how I was feeling. Instead... her response was to immediately go on about how great of a fucking time she was having. How many friends she was making, how cool the temp was, like she was rubbing it in my fucking face. Like a child.
I. WAS. LIVID.
I called her out and and gave her a piece of my mind. Cue the guilt tripping tactics she uses whenever I call her out on ANYTHING I mentioned above. Including the self harm. There are countless other times she used this tactic.... too many to mention in this post. In this particular instance, she failed to make me feel guilty.
She wouldn't let me "forget" how I "made" her cut herself, from that moment, all the way till after she ended things with me.


I now know that this relationship should've ended long ago. Especially once this shit started happening. But I was blinded by how in love I was with her.

I hate to say this... but a part of me is still in love with her. I don't know what i still love, but I want it back. Whatever it is.