I need to get this off my chest. It eats away at me every day.

My now fiancé and I met in college at a party. At the time I had just ended things with my high school sweetheart and was looking for a hookup. I had just turned 19 and he was freshly 21. Our relationship started as a hookup and quickly evolved into a very very fast and intense relationship. We were together for about 3 months when I moved in with him. He had a large dog and needed someone to care for him while he worked his summer job (he worked 12 hour days 6 days a week during the summer). I liked him a lot and didn’t want to move back home with my parents over the summer so I picked up and moved in. That summer went really well and we decided to continue to live with one another and have for the past 2.5 years.

We have definitely grown up together. We have both graduated college and began professional jobs in a new city. Live together is really easy it comes naturally. He proposed to me 6 months ago and said yes.

I graduated college with a 4 year degree in 2.5 years. I have always been future focused and never partied or lived a “college experience”. Now I will say professionally this was beneficial. I have no student debt, I have a great deal of money invested and saved towards large goals, and I have a wonderful job. However, I now feel like like I have settled down way to early.

My coworkers are all about 10 years older than I am and many are still unmarried and much less established. Throughout college I saw my peers party, date, and explore life. Now I work along side people still living independently on a larger monetary scale. Many of my coworkers don’t have relationships tying them to a specific routine. They aren’t as focused as I am about investment growth and relationship security they live more freely.

Despite “being ahead” on paper I feel that I have missed out. Even my fiancé lived the single experience in college for many years. He blew his money on stupid shit, partied, drank, and hookup up with many girls. I never got any of that and now that I am in such a committed relationship and job I feel that it’s unattainable. I have never even slept with anyone outside of my fiancé. He was my first and as much as that might work for some people, I’m not that kind of girl. I regret not experiencing more people, places, and things.

The pandemic has only highlighted this desire as I feel like I am one of very few people actually not going out. I am stuck sitting inside day after day watching my coworkers get drinks and my college friends party night after night. I’m lonely. I can’t partake in my hobbies, things I enjoy, or even date nights outside of the house. It all feels so isolating. Here I am at 22 literally watching the best years of my life pass me by.

Thus the appeal of my fiancé’s best friend. I have always found him attractive. My fiancé knows this and has been the root of fights more than once. I am very sexually attracted to this man and we recently moved to the same town that he lives in which means that we see him more. Every time I see him I feel sick for days beforehand and after. He sits in my mind. He is everything my life isn’t. He’s 26 and still in college. He spends every weekend getting drunk and has no money or life plan. He wants to take his car to California after graduation and figure life out as it come. We are different in every way from life choices down to politics. A relationship with him would never work and I have no desire for one with him. My partner is the perfect person for me. But my life feels so predictable and boring that I really want to watch it all burn.

I fantasize about sending his best friend nudes, seducing him, and hooking up in secret. The trill would be so refreshing. I wonder if I did it how much loyalty his best friend would have to him. How long would he keep my secret? What would my fiancé do when he found out? Would I be able to win him back? I long for some excitement in my life but I also worry that I will always feel this way. Will I eventually settle down or will he always light a fire deep inside me.

The desire to cheat on my fiancé is so strong and has been going on for so long now (5 months) that it has torn me up. It causes me to feel guilty and depressed. I have lost a significant amount of weight (I am now underweight). I am becoming withdrawn and don’t even feel like putting effort into my relationship. I feel like I’m building a wall between my fiancé and I. I love him but I’m no longer letting my self show or receive love. I am always in a different head space. I’m disinterested in sex with my fiancé and feel indifferent to his affection. I have essentially prepared myself for an inevitable breakup because I don’t know how to get married without letting myself live first. I don’t want to let my relationship end but I don’t know how much longer I can fight this feeling of monotony.