I regret with every fiber of my being letting my mother know about my eating disorder. It’s just a constant, “eat this” “stop it” “you need therapy” etc. I’m already in my 20’s and she’s still the stereotypical controlling Christian mother I’ve always known. I only revealed my ED out of stress from my father and him being abusive towards me. My mother said, “stop it early so this doesn’t get worse.” I’ve been bulimic/anorexic for almost four years now. I can’t help but laugh at the ignorance that my mother and so many other “Christians” have. She’s also been using guilt tactics to make me “stop being anorexic.” She also threw a fit over me mentioning I’m trying to help my long distance bf with coming to visit since his mother keep begging him for money even when he does so much for them. Her reasoning is that because I’m a woman I should NEVER help a man because a man should always have money. Honestly, I feel like the church/“Christian” school I went to for all 14 years is a cult. I’m a Christian, but the people I grew up around are far from it. I believe we should be loving, forgiving, selfless, etc. and that’s everything they’re not.

In the 3 years I’ve been with my boyfriend I’ve only seen him once for one day with my fucking mother by our side. She doesn’t understand how many times I’ve cried over my bf planning a visit here and not having enough money to come here. I’m working my fucking ass off now making money to support myself and it just so happens I can set aside money for my bf so he can hopefully visit by the end of 2019. What’s so wrong with that???

My heart is just so broken and I find that I only want to starve myself even more. I want to hurt myself because it feels like it’s the only way I can release my frustration. Any interests I once used as an outlet for my anger does not appeal to me anymore. The only thing that brings me joy and is preventing me from just offing myself is my loving boyfriend. Even though I’m in honors at my college and not doing dumb shit like my older brother, it seems that my parents only want to point out the flaws they see in me. As if I don’t hate myself enough lol. I’m sorry for this pathetic rant. To whoever read all this shit, I hope you’re doing better and I’m glad you exist. At this point it feels like I’m just screaming into the void. But really, I care about people (Social Work Major here) and I want there to be some kind of positivity in this post. I hope you take better care of yourself and surround yourself with people who love/uplift you.