I'm sorry for my horrible spelling and grammar, English is not my native language. I don't know where else to rant and I have really bad anxiety about posting anything online because I think that nobody cares about my opinion or what I have to say, but that's just such a stupid way of thinking, so I'm posting this before I regret it. I know this is very cringy and probably over dramatic.

It feels like at the exact moment when 2015 turned to 2016, my social skills just disappeared. I had 2 friends but i usually got along with most of the other girls at my school. After school holiday ended, whenever my friends were talking I just had nothing to add to the conversation. Literally nothing. I would just awkwardly laugh when they said something. In just few weeks we drifted so far away. I would still try to get involved in the conversation. '' Maybe I'll say something this time?'' But i never did. I think my 2 friends were just very confused, but the other girls seemed creeped out by me.

So I stopped even attempting to be social. Every time I tried it just went wrong. I would say something stupid or awkward. I remember running home from school crying. I didn't know why I was acting this way. I thought the only explanation was a mental disorder. I self diagnosed myself with depression, later with a bunch of other disorders ( looking back, I know this was very stupid of me to do and I don't think I had a mental disorder just was over dramatic as usual). When I realized that I should explain to my friends whats going on and why I'm acting so weird, it was too late. My friends had became strangers. We didn't talk at all. I really regret not explaining to them whats going on. I really hope they didn't thought that I hated them or something. But if I was one of them in this situation, I would think exactly that. My family noticed I wasn't as social. My grandma thought that I had depression. My father would threatened to send my to a mental hospital.

Slowly, in a spawn of few months, I got better at talking with my brother and my mom. At school I reconnected with my old friend from elementary school- Kate (not her real name), after we haven't talked in maybe 2 years over some petty drama. I started to go to the same art school ( I don't know if this is the correct translation, basically in my native country art school is like an after school activity thing ( wow English)) as her. Honestly the people I met in my art school class are the most open minded and friendly people I had ever met irl. They didn't care that I was awkward as fuk. Quickly I had a circle of amazing friends. The difference between the way I would act in public school and in art school, was like night and day. But after a year I got terrible art block and stopped creating personal artwork. Started skipping art school bc I thought that it was the cause of my art block. And after school year was over, I quit art school completely. Also Kate transferred to another school.

Basically I'm alone again. The only person I talk to is my brother. I wish I could just get away with completely not talking to anybody at school. It's just easier for my to not talk to anyone, talking just causes stress for me. I hate the way my voice sounds so different when I talk in social situations. I hate eye contact and the way people stare at my when they can't understand what I'm talking about bc I talk so quietly. I just know that they are thinking how stupid I am. I honestly sometimes think it would be better if they just ignored me completely. In September I focused on my academics, specifically learning chemistry and physics, but now all the motivation is gone. I don't want to do anything. I don't want to draw. I don't want to study. I don't know if I should just give up. One day I think that it doesn't matter and it's going to be alright, the the next day I think that my life is literally falling apart. I have no aspirations for the future anymore. I can't do anything right. But not doing anything feels so wrong.