One night, my (then) gf asked me to have sex with her and said yes every time I asked if she was sure she wanted this since her body language told otherwise and I had my doubts she really meant it. I still feel horrible about this.
Posted Aug 6, 2019 08:21 by anonymous
3961 views |
9 comments
I don't know where I want to go with this post, but I have to get this off my chest since I keep overthinking this since I woke up today and I want to hear people's thoughts about this.
It started in the last few days of our 10 month relationship (we did not know this at the time). My ex gf has Borderline Personality Disorder, I have autism, and the relationship was not going well at all. We had fights, she got angry at me all the time and I was feeling anxious during these outbursts. Even when I got a text message of her I felt a small anxiety spike once I saw it was hers. Despite all this, I still loved her and cared about her. We had our good moments too. So one night we were arguing about something and then made up with each other. However, I saw that my ex-gf was still feeling a bit down. My ex-gf knew I was in the mood, and told me to have sex with her. I saw that things were wrong, and asked if she was sure since she didn't seem in the mood. She said she was fine and told me again. I took off my clothes and asked her if she really wanted this and I said I really don't want to do this if she doesn't want it. She said she was fine again. So I go on, confused, unsure, but I'm in the mood so I guess she just wants distraction from negative feelings or whatever. During the intercourse, she was not moving as much as usual and I stop, asking her one more time if she really wants to do this. She told me I should go on. I start to feel really unsure about this all and am not enjoying it anymore, so I went on to get it over with. This is the thing I feel very bad about. I kinda panicked, not knowing what to do in this situation, and I should just stop but made the choice to just get it over with since I got mixed signals. Although it did not feel good at all, I figured that she did in fact consent, so what I'm doing is probably not wrong. I finish and we go to sleep. The next morning we had another fight, and she told me she didn't like what I did previous night. I just sink through the floor at this, knowing immediately that I did, indeed, make the wrong choice. I feel disgusted, angry at myself. But I couldn't help but also to feel angry at her for lying. In hindsight I figured that she probably just wanted to have sex out of guilt or something, despite me having told her multiple times I only want sex when both parties agree. I'd rather have no sex than she doing things she does not want.
Fast forward a few days: neither of us mentioned this again. We have some fights about the things we already fought about during our relationship. I could not handle the realtionship anymore, and I break up with her. She begged and even stalked me to take her back, but I could not.
A few days later I remember that night, and feel guilty as hell about it. I felt like a horrible person, and told my therapist this. She told me that my ex-gf consented and that I am not to blame since it was a confusing situation. This put me mind on ease for about 2 years and it was not mentioned ever again.
However, today I woke up remembering this all again and feel horrible about it all again. I knew something was wrong. I should have stopped. I can't help but feel that this was my fault. What are your thoughts on this?
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Commented Oct 20, 2019 10:18 by anonymous
if you have autism or borderline, that is in the way that your social, and higher thinking brains work.
Sex is in how your mid-brain works...that's the part of the brain that animals all have.
Primates have the social and higher symbolic thinking brain parts, others, generally do not.
So the part of a person that wants or consents to sex is not necessarily controlled by the social/high-level part of the brain.
It is entirely possible to even be AGAINST wanting sex, and WANTING sex at the same time.
No reason to be confused about this, this falls more under the title of "Its Complicated".
Commented Jan 6, 2020 08:26 by anonymous
You didn't do anything bad
Commented Jun 27, 2020 02:26 by anonymous
You did nothing wrong. You can never fully understand why someone might say yes or no to a request that you have. But you were trying to be considerate of her and asked her several times if she wanted to proceed. People often have mixed feelings about things. Honestly, if you hadn't had sex with her, but you wanted to, it would be a form of imposing your will on her by trying to think that you know more about what she wants than she does.
Commented Aug 30, 2020 08:51 by anonymous
You blew it. You had a woman who was willing to have Sex with you for your pleasure and you dumped her. Do you know how much you meant to her for a woman to do that?
Take. her back. Tell you you are sorry, you fucked up, you got scared, and you want her back.
Commented Apr 9, 2021 18:12 by anonymous
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Commented Jul 24, 2021 17:40 by anonymous
You are a very compassionate man, despite how you feel. As a lady with BPD with a partner with autism, I understand how hard it is to communicate on some occasions. I recall an experience awhile back similar to yours, though, and I understand your guilt. I know it’s hard for individuals with autism to understand some boundaries (apologies if that sounds mean, I’m not totally familiar with this stuff) and you asked her multiple times to speak up if she needed to stop. It was wrong of you to keep going, even if she said yes, because of her body language, but neither of you are at all to blame for this.
I’ll put it this way: You did not rape her. You are not in the wrong here, and neither is she. You are compassionate and showing guilt for not stopping is a sign you’re self aware of your actions and how they effect others. You’re perfectly alright, I promise.
Please reach out to her and offer your support if possible. As someone with BPD, I understand her reactions, but as someone who is a partner to someone who is autistic, I also understand yours. Tell her you care for her and didn’t mean to hurt her. Even if you two aren’t talking anymore, it’s good to tell her you don’t despise her nor was it her fault. Understanding goes a long way with people who suffer from BPD.
I hope you’re both recovering, and please reply back if you’d like to ask anything else. I’m willing to give you my contact information if you want me to explain BPD a bit more in depth.
Commented Jan 15, 2022 00:50 by anonymous
How fucking weak are you? A fucking therapist? If you need that shit, you shouldn't be fucking. Please, don't breed.
Commented Jan 15, 2022 09:01 by anonymous
Since both you and your girlfriend have similar imaginary mental disorders and love giving money to con artist therapists your best bet would be for you both to hold hands and jump off a bridge.
Commented Sep 23, 2022 10:32 by anonymous
“Since both you and your girlfriend have similar imaginary mental disorders and love giving money to con artist therapists your best bet would be for you both to hold hands and jump off a bridge.
”
Fu