This is a lot more petty than most things on here, but it’s been getting me down recently and I just wanted to write about it.

Me and my mum started doing tap lessons at the start of the year. Awesome fun, we haven’t done anything together for ages. Our relationship has been pretty strained for years so it was nice to spend time with her that was happy.

I did dance as a kid and I do it casually now, so it was really easy for me. Compliments from the teacher, don’t really have to practise, other students would follow me for advice, etc. Mum struggled a lot more. I tried my best to show her moves and help. I was really loving it and made a point of never thinking it was too easy for me - I tried hard to do everything as perfectly as I could and tried not to get cocky.

She first started getting critical when I was trying proudly (stupidly) to show off a step I’d learnt to my brother. Instantly it was “that’s not totally correct, your toe wasn’t lifted enough, etc.” and her turning away with mouth pursed. I was bummed but tried not to show it.

Then came comments at class, and sour looks. One day the teacher pulled me aside and suggested that next semester my mum and I could move up from beginner to intermediate. I mentioned this in passing to my mum.

She protested so much, coming up with every single excuse under the sun why I couldn’t go up to intermediate. Some people had been in the beginner class for years (the same ones who never tried and treated it as a social group), intermediate was ridiculously hard (it wasn’t, plus why would it matter if it was?), and basically I was told that I just wasn’t good enough (this stung a lot, I’d been trying even harder recently). I rebutted her points and she finally went silent for ages and then just started crying. Finally it came out that she thought the teacher had said only I should go up to intermediate, but I’d clearly said it was me and her.

Tap stopped being fun after that. I’d really loved it, really enjoyed doing something that came naturally to me, but now I was constantly critiquing myself and never felt good enough. The rational part of me knew the constant criticism was her being insecure, but my self-esteem was pretty shot at this point and I didn’t have the energy to fight back.

The last thing that prompted me to stop was because she’d started doing extra tap lessons on Monday nights with the same teacher, and I had a few Monday nights free when I’d normally have music rehearsals. I made a comment about how it’d be nice to come along on Monday night, maybe, and her exact response was “well, maybe not. I mean, you have your music stuff, and I have this.” At that point I knew for sure she wasn’t worried about me moving out of a class we were doing together or anything like that. She just didn’t like seeing me be better at something than her. And that stung so much because christ, this woman is supposed to be my parent and she’s acting like a child, putting me down because she can’t stand feeling inferior.

So I left the next term, and I haven’t done it since then. Tap brings no joy to me anymore, at least not when she’s around.

The real kicker is she’s actually improved a lot since then, better than me. Maybe a couple of months ago I had more Monday nights free, and she asked me to come join her. I repeated what she’d said to me and her reply was “what, no, I only said that because I thought you were busy on Monday nights” (which is a total lie, because she knew I was free otherwise why the f would I be asking?) Recently she’s been talking about how the teacher and other students still ask after me.

I don’t have the heart to tell her I left because she made me feel so shitty. Tap makes her happy and gives her a hobby, and I haven’t seen her really indulge in a healthy hobby for years. I don’t have the heart to take that away from her. But I’m still terribly sad that I gave up something I loved, and it’s only added to the long list of small things that have made me resent her over time.