My mother has dictated my entire life and up until now I have blindly followed; now that I’ve fallen short of her expectations and realized that for once I don’t want what she does for my life, I feel like I don’t even know who I am.
Posted Aug 17, 2019 02:13 by anonymous
1010 views |
5 comments
My mother has had my whole life planned out for me since I was born. For context, I am Asian and my mother is a stereotypical “Asian Tiger Mom” - an Asian Mom who dictates her child’s entire life and expects no less than perfection and a doctor, lawyer, or engineer at the end of it all. (There are no other career options.)
My whole life, my mother has told me exactly what to do and I followed: I went to a good Christian school up until middle school, at which point I applied to and got into a magnet middle school, then I went to an IB high school and eventually ended up at an Ivy League college. Ever since fourth grade I knew that this was how my life would go, and I knew that at the end of it all I would be a doctor. I had no questions and no doubts about it all. Well, here I am today: I hate science, I’m terrible at math and hate it too, I don’t even know what my interests are outside of clinical experiences for med school apps (which don’t actually interest me since nothing about medicine appeals to me!) and I’m scared of failure. Once in second grade, I got a 90 on a spelling test and cried because I was so SURE that I would never be a doctor - and this fear of failure has carried over to my adulthood.
I still don’t know who I am. I don’t really have any interests or hobbies, and all I know is what I’m good at - but not what I enjoy. I don’t want to be a doctor, but I don’t know what else is out there for me; my whole life I lived with the certainty that this would be my future, and now that I’ve realized that med school is unlikely because 1) I’m bad at math and science and 2) I am not interested at all, I’m having an existential crisis. If I’m not a doctor, who am I? To this day, I’m terrified of being less than perfect, and I still flinch when my mother raises her voice or raises her hand. I am a fucking adult.
Is it wrong that I resent my mother for this? For trying to mold me into someone I am not, for grooming me for this since childhood and not leaving me any other options or even room to explore who I am. Now I’m the one left to pick up the pieces; she has disowned me since hearing that I am not interested in med school. Maybe it would have been easier for everyone if I had just been a doctor.
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Commented Dec 26, 2019 10:18 by anonymous
so sad, so lonely?
Commented Mar 13, 2021 03:24 by anonymous
The most important elements of Our Universe are Free Will and Love. While your mom loved you, which is good, she intentionally repressed your Free Will, which is bad. You, however, also have Free Will. Use it to make your life better.
Here is some help:
This is Missy Higgins singing her song: "Where I Stood". Much of the lyrics are perfect for you, I think. The first video is the version i like best...from the TV show Terminator: Sarah Connor Chronicles. I loved that show so much. The second link is Missy's international version of the video. If you go to utube and search, you will see a LOT of different videos based off this song. The song is about two people, and how their relationship is not good, and needs to change...
...this website removed the links to ubute...just search "where i stood" or, if you want the first video: "where i stood john and cameron"
God Bless and Namaste to you and your family and friends.
Commented Sep 22, 2021 17:30 by anonymous
I hear you...my mom was same way.
I moved out as soon as I could at the age of 16! Don't blame it on your roots.
Grow a spine!
Commented Jan 13, 2022 12:44 by anonymous
My single alcoholic Mom has consistently masturbated me into absolute submission to her every whim, as I grew more and more addicted...some years ago I discovered she had a very cruel streak, when she began tying me up too...now at 21, I am a true 'Mama's Boy" content to submit to her every demand, in the hope she'll get even more inventive in her cruelty...she's only forty, so I have potentially up to sixty years of this to anticipate eagerly...
Commented Feb 13, 2022 13:51 by anonymous
“My single alcoholic Mom has consistently masturbated me into absolute submission to her every whim, as I grew more and more addicted...some years ago I discovered she had a very cruel streak, when she began tying me up too...now at 21, I am a true 'Mama's Boy" content to submit to her every demand, in the hope she'll get even more inventive in her cruelty...she's only forty, so I have potentially up to sixty years of this to anticipate eagerly...”
She's not going to get any better, I assure you! I've been my mother's obedient sex slave now, for twenty years, and at least another twenty to go...actually I've become accepting, even appreciative of this 'status' and even provoke her to more imaginative punishment