My mother has had my whole life planned out for me since I was born. For context, I am Asian and my mother is a stereotypical “Asian Tiger Mom” - an Asian Mom who dictates her child’s entire life and expects no less than perfection and a doctor, lawyer, or engineer at the end of it all. (There are no other career options.)

My whole life, my mother has told me exactly what to do and I followed: I went to a good Christian school up until middle school, at which point I applied to and got into a magnet middle school, then I went to an IB high school and eventually ended up at an Ivy League college. Ever since fourth grade I knew that this was how my life would go, and I knew that at the end of it all I would be a doctor. I had no questions and no doubts about it all. Well, here I am today: I hate science, I’m terrible at math and hate it too, I don’t even know what my interests are outside of clinical experiences for med school apps (which don’t actually interest me since nothing about medicine appeals to me!) and I’m scared of failure. Once in second grade, I got a 90 on a spelling test and cried because I was so SURE that I would never be a doctor - and this fear of failure has carried over to my adulthood.

I still don’t know who I am. I don’t really have any interests or hobbies, and all I know is what I’m good at - but not what I enjoy. I don’t want to be a doctor, but I don’t know what else is out there for me; my whole life I lived with the certainty that this would be my future, and now that I’ve realized that med school is unlikely because 1) I’m bad at math and science and 2) I am not interested at all, I’m having an existential crisis. If I’m not a doctor, who am I? To this day, I’m terrified of being less than perfect, and I still flinch when my mother raises her voice or raises her hand. I am a fucking adult.

Is it wrong that I resent my mother for this? For trying to mold me into someone I am not, for grooming me for this since childhood and not leaving me any other options or even room to explore who I am. Now I’m the one left to pick up the pieces; she has disowned me since hearing that I am not interested in med school. Maybe it would have been easier for everyone if I had just been a doctor.