I'm living with family, and there's a difficult situation that's causing everyone in the house to suffer, especially my mom. Essentially, she's taking care of her bedridden mom, who needs to be constantly watched over in case she needs to use the bathroom (which is every 2 hours). It doesn't help that she refuses to let anyone else take care of her (feeding meals, bathing, bathroom, everything is done by my mom). I want to do more to help alleviate the stress and workload, but my mom's made it clear that she only wants help if she asks for it, and that she wants me to focus on myself and don't feel bad for her.

But that's impossible. How can I just forget that my mom is suffering at home, while I'm free to enjoy life how I see fit?

I've been respecting her wishes for years now, but it hurts seeing how our situation is taking a toll on her: very bad sleep, little to no free time, constrained to the house almost 24/7 are just a few of the many problems she has. But whenever I ask to do more, to take care of some of her responsibilities, she almost always says no. Yardwork? Cooking meals? Cleaning the house? Forget it, because in her exact words, "I'll take care of it." And whenever I do do something she didn't ask me to do, she'll usually get frustrated and annoyed, the exact opposite of what I'm trying to achieve.

I get it though, my mom is a very independent person, who works hard to keep the house running. I'm not sure if it's pride in her capabilities, or the fact that she doesn't trust anyone else to do just a good of a job as her, but regardless, she refuses to let anyone handle the majority of tasks that take up her time and energy.

This isn't a direct example, but recently her shoulder's been causing her a lot of pain, so the logical thing to do would be to get a cortisone shot, as she's done in the past. But she refuses to do so, because if my grandma wakes and needs to use the bathroom while she's gone, she doesn't want my dad, my brother, or me to get involved: it has to be my mom.

So I've been feeling some kind of way about it. The best way I can put it is pounding on a glass wall in anger, but it can only be felt faintly on the other side. Powerless is a good way to describe it I guess. I used to feel more frustrated in the past, so I guess I've just gotten used to how things are. And I hate that. I hate myself for not doing more, for not knowing how to do more. What kind of son let's his mom go through all that for years? I get mad just typing that.

I do feel a bit better now though, having typed all of this. But the self-loathing is still there.