Hello friends. I usually don’t tell people very much about my life but I’ve needed to get this off my chest.

Last year I got involved with a guy who was three years older than I was. He was very poor and had ADHD. For the end of our relationship he was homeless and that was kinda what sparked the downfall. We will call him Zane

Zane was a horrible boyfriend. I could never really see it but he was a borderline shit head. He was involved with the acting program at our school and so was I. we where together a lot and wound up giving him my number.

We talked for a couple days and he asked me out. I was hesitant but I wound up saying yes because I hadn’t really had someone show interest in me for a while. It was kinda the thing I needed because my heart was lonely, longing for attention.

I was honeymoon blind. I was so blind that when he started to get sexual with me when I asked him not to he found a way to make me believe it was fine. Make me show my tits on FaceTime, my body, asked to call me in the shower. I complying thought it was normal.

Everything was fine till one day we where at school after hours and sitting the music room. There where two closets in the room and he had made out with me before telling me to go inside one. Some innocent part of me blew it off thinking everything would be fine and I looked at some of the stuff before I heard it. The sound of him unbuckling his pants.

I turned to see him waving his... yea... and telling me to suck it. I wasn’t interested at first but wound up doing it anyway. He told me I was horrible at it and I knew I was, I had never done it before. Then he asked to FINGER me. So I leaned against the wall as he pulled down my pants, I closed my eyes and took a breath.

What the. I opened my eyes and realized he was behind me with his manly hood inside me. This man put his fucking MH inside me... I didn’t even get a yes or no. I didn’t want this, I didn’t want any of this. My head was filled with so many thoughts I began to cry silently as my body has just been violated and I can’t find a way to stop him.

He came on my ass and it burned like hell and he got pissy about coming so early in. I stood there shaking and crying. The next convo goes as follows.
I slap him
Me: what the hell did you just do to me! I told you that you could finger me! Not fuck me and burn me with your kids!
Zane: it’s fine, sex is like ripping off a bandaid. It hurts then it’s all better.
Me: I said No!
Zane: relax, I want the best for you and that was what’s best
He spouted other bullshit and somehow made me think it was all ok

The next six months was all me being raped every time he saw me and one day he did it eight times in one day and I felt like I was gonna die. He never wore a condom and used pull out and every day I loved it feat I was gonna have his kid.

I’ve been diagnosed with depression and PTSD. And my PTSD has also been linked with my weed and alcohol drinking because with these actions comes self destruction.

My boyfriend who I still love with all my heart, is my pride and joy. We fell madly in love each other, I gave him all my love and trust and every time I saw him he lit up my whole world. His gummy smile and beautiful voice makes me so fucking happy I can’t describe to you how much I love him because the world love can’t measure it. I beyond adore him. He was the first person I trusted having sex with after Zane. He made me feel amazing and never pushed my boundaries.

We are currently on a break though after I’ve made a grave mistake. My summer fling who I still talked to was texting me when we started dating and I told him I wasn’t interested in getting sexual with him, because I had a boyfriend. In my right mind I would never cheat on my lover. I care way too much about him and how he feels that if I hurt him I would be destroyed.

One day I got accidentally cross faded and I lost my recollection of what happened. I woke up to a text from my summer fling ex, saying how much he wanted to pound me right now. I read through the whole conversation at 3:13 am and thought some of his texts where my texts.

I cried my eyes out, puked, and cried more. I was destroyed. I hurt someone I loved so much. I was such a fucking fool, the one time I’m vulnerable he manipulates me and now I’m his toy. Disgusting.

I’ll note, my summer fling ex is 5 years older than me which is bad to begin with. He was a collage football player who was extremely good. He also had a thing for tiny girls like me and boy did he show me when we where together. I couldn’t handle some of the sexual stuff he would do so I tended to retreat before things got too bad.

A couple weeks later. I started to drink, guilt drink. it was after something for the play, I felt guilty cause I heard him sing and it made me think. One vodka coke. I was fine, felt nothing. A second vodka coke. I felt shitty. A third and I thought I was gonna die and I broke down. I called my boyfriend and said some things I regret.
The worst was
“SEE! This is why I need a sugar daddy!”
And I heard him break
I heard him shatter
I heard his entire body go still and process what I just said

He still came to get me and sober me up. He still took care of me.

When I was sober he asked “did you really mean that”
And I blanked. Zane had made me think that cheating was simply talking to another guy and having them talk to you sexually, even if you don’t indulge and try to stop it.
So I stupidly leaned towards yes

The look in his eyes broke me in half. I felt my heart completely shatter as soon as his did. I tried to hold back tears as I tried to fix it and tell some stuff. I didn’t read the convo that well and I didn’t have enough information to approach him. I wasn’t ready

He still put up with me and we had some sex before I went home. That night I cried and cried and when we talked on the phone I could hear in his voice how broken he was.


I’ve made a horrible mistake and he won’t let me back in, December 5th will be a month we have been on a break. And I know I don’t deserve him, I deserve all this fucking pain I have. But I love him so much and I miss him so much. I just wanna explain myself and try to fix things. And if you ever read this, I love you so much and I’m sorry I ever hurt you. I never meant to hurt you, I know I shouldn’t have trusted him. You where right. I’m sorry.

Thanks for reading sorry for how long it is.