I'm not a good writer, and this is more of a "get it out of my chest without somebody finding out" for myself.

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You ever had a crush on someone so hard that thinking about them still bring out feelings that you thought were gone but weren't? That was me. Twenty years ago I had the biggest crush on this girl A since junior high. She was pretty, smart, outgoing; me, I am a shy, overweight, introverted nerd. I never stood a chance. We kept in touch with each other and our circle of friends from junior high, I would chat her occasionally, but we were never more than just casual friends. Some time during highschool I picked up weight lifting, I lost weight, got in shape, got more confident, but I was still a coward and didn't ask her out. I would still stalk her on facebook though. Then the day came, soon after college she got married to someone she met in college. I had the biggest heartbreak ever. It was the first and only time I felt a heartache. I had always thought it was just a figure of speech, but god damn was it real. My heart fucking hurt, I can still remember that feeling, more than a decade later. I was drowning in regret, for all these years I could have at least tried asking her out once, but no I had to be a whimpy little bitch and basically I can never get the girl of my dream now. I hated myself for my cowardice, and I hated her and her husband, whom I had never even met.

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But life goes on. After a period of self pity, I managed to get back on my feet. I kept going to work, forcing myself to go out and be social, etc. Eventually I met my now wife, and we're happily married. I had since shut A out of my life, unfollowed her on facebook. Life goes on and I am way too busy dealing with other problems to keep up with what's happening to A. I only vaguely knew through our friend circle that she had a few kids with her husband. And then two weeks ago, I saw a message in our chat group. "Did you heard A's husband died?" My mind shut off for a second, then I reread the message to make sure I am not reading it wrong. What the hell? I read other people chiming in on the chat group. Apparently A's husband had died in an accident, leaving her with four kids, including one young baby. This is the first time I heard that she has four kids by the way, last I heard she has two with a third on the way.

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I had thought that I had put her behind me, but no after two decades I still has feelings for her. There were times where I would fantasize something happening to her husband and then I will swoop in and take her for myself. But real life is less exciting than that. She has four kids, I am not going to deal with that shit even if it's possible for us to get together. From then on whenever I get into a conversation with out mutual friends I would say how I am sorry for her etc. In truth, I had the biggest catharsis, derived from the guy's death, and her and their children's suffering. I know it is so wrong for me to feel that way, but I can't help myself. I've been stewing on my feelings for her for over twenty years, I will derive a little happiness from her one way or another. I also lied about donating to the gofundme another friend of ours setup to help her, yeah she and the four kids from that man is not getting my money.


Also yes I know I'm a huge creep and asshole.