This is such a fucking mess, roller coaster, train wreck or whatchamacall it. It's going to be a long wall of text, with some brutal honesty. At this point I'm just looking to vent, hopefully get some confirmations -- whether they be in my favour or no. So the story..

Background:

I've been dating my SO (**B**) for about a year and a half, my best friend (**S**) has been my closest confidante since I immigrated to the city I live in two years ago, the other friend (**G**) is someone I trusted intensely and would never imagine he would be capable of the actions that transpired.

**B** and I have had some doubts and frustrations present themselves in our relationship -- we never really seemed to figure out how to mend or fix it, which might inevitably make people think the relationship was not going to work out anyway. I have brought up steps and action plans with my partner, who'd stay put and not really do much for the longest time, until recently where she started seeking help and therapy.

This caused me to eventually retract, isolate myself become more irritable, less pleasant. Hanging out with my SO in social context (including ones that had **S** and **G** present) were not always easy for me. Her and I, one on one, usually did better.

Last month, we had three parties; parties that should be fun and nice, but weren't for me, and also weren't for my SO, because I felt shit, I acted in a difficult manner and generally made the night difficult. On the eve of a big Halloween party, having had anxiety leading up to it (my partner had to leave the house due to financial reasons, was going to live with **S** in the mean time, had a gut feeling telling me this would complicate things). On the actual party, my SO takes me out for a walk, where I break: I tell her that I'm unhappy, and that I am unsure how to resolve, work and grow/heal productively, with **B** by my side as my partner. I fucked up the delivery and the message, I asserted what I wanted to say but **B** was already emotional and in pain, understandably so -- we talked about this at a later point and talked this out.

But my SO had told **G** and **S** a different story, opinions started to form. I got no podium -- I tried not to talk to people about raw thoughts that I wasn't even sure of. I decided to confide in **S** that night -- rawly so. I exclaimed and vented things I don't back up now, I was probed and prodded just the right way too to get the toughest bits out.

Fast forward, **S** and **G** increasingly spend time with each other, and my SO. They claim to support her, but they are heavily bombarding her with 'advice', telling her that I am 'leading her on', and that 'I'm out to fuck other people'. An example, I told **S**: "I hope come time, **B** will be able to move to and I could come with, because I know it's the only play she feels at home in" which was then turned around to "He wishes for you to move away so he can have fun here and return to your city when he's ready". To me this seems wrong, I hold no feelings like this and I have made that very clear.

Fast forward, **B** and I decided to leave each other alone for a bit as we were dealing with a lot of complex, conflicting emotions. She is hanging at **S**'s. According to **B** (and at this point, it's just *a* version of the story now), all of them got drunk and highly combative in their 'telling **B** that I am no good, a bastard, out to get my dick wet' (mind you these are people I wholeheartedly saw as friends). They get more drunk, **S** and **G** start making out, at some point, in whatever way my SO joins in.

**S** and **G** make out, my SO and **S** and **G** make out. **S** and **G** have raw, passionate, unprotected sex. My partner stays in the room for a bit before she passed out.

She calls me up the next morning, in absolute panic and tears. Tells me the story. I asked her the same questions 50x, I get the exact same responses back during her state of crisis: I don't think she's lying. **S** and **G** reportedly cover up a lot of facts in their story when they told their partners, my SO showed me messages from **S** and **G** trying to do so: covering up.

I got very mad with S and G, I sent them both very angry messages (which in retrospect, I maybe should not have done, and I regret it immensely). I have never seen my SO shattered like this: I don't know if I'm capable of forgiving her: I know I love her, loads, even, but that this will take me time to get over. **S** and **G** do not seem to show any remorse, not to me, not about the situation. I'm being talked to angrily, I'm being accused of shit. I'm being told that people just tried to 'help' my SO and be 'good friends' in the 'middle of our shit'.

Honestly, I don't even have a AITA query here? Like. Maybe I could have not stayed in confusion about my partner for so long, I guess having ended a relationship there would have avoided all of this and that's what I'm beating myself up with.

But I also know I had conviction and heart for this person and the process it would require us to get better.

I don't know. I'm sorry for this ramble. At the end of writing this post -- I couldn't really compose myself properly anymore. This happened three days ago, and that was three days after my SO and I decided to leave a breather for us (the duration of that was going to be two weeks)