basically i had it all in high school. went to a small town high school. cheerleader with a ton of friends. president of countless organizations. i was where i wanted to be academically and socially.

i ended up going to a school out of state, hating it with everything in me, and withdrew after 6 weeks. during those 6 weeks my anxiety levels shot through the roof. i had a boyfriend at the time and it wasn’t the healthiest relationship ever but i loved him and i constantly wanted to be by his side. i knew he was a sociopathic cheater (i know the terms are thrown around a lot, but actually) but i couldn’t picture my life without him at the time. therefore when i was at this school i sat alone couped up in my room missing him texting him and essentially building my day around him. i roomed with a girl who i went to high school with and she had some friends but i never really bothered to put myself out there, join clubs, socialize with people on our floor etc. i never had to make friends before due to me basically knowing everyone in my small hometown. basically i was scared and feared i would be judged. i had no desire to meet new people as i thought i already had it all with my boyfriend and home friends. i was a fish out of water.

i withdrew after 6 weeks after having a panic attack in my home during a visit back from school. i threw everything in my house. tried to break things. hit my mom. i wanna call it a manic episode but don’t wanna overstep. my mom drove me to the mental health facility at the school (~40 min drive) and they deemed me suicidal after being questioned for some time. i was placed in the emergency room at the hospital where they tried keeping me for the weekend and my mom had to beg to let me go home. she doesn’t take my mental health concerns too seriously either but that’s a different story for a different day

my boyfriend left me a week after. couldn’t handle it i guess. i was a college dropout with a broken heart with no idea what i was gonna do next.

long story short i transferred to a school close to home. i commute and have been since i started in 2017.

i haven’t made one friend. perhaps it’s the climate of the school (PWI ((yes, i am white myself)), racially divided because of the lack of diversity, full of kids with mommy and daddy money) that i can’t seem to adapt to. i haven’t been able to make one friend outside the classroom. i try to talk to people in my classes, add them on snapchat, add them on instagram etc. i guess i never really stuck out to people enough for them to be like “hey! you seem cool. we should hang out”

i understand i should be the one throwing myself out there, but it’s so hard when you feel unwanted and not similar to everyone else. especially as a commuter transfer student. it sucks scrolling through instagram and seeing everyone enjoy what should be the best four years of your life when you’re watching them through a screen

i know i’m a dope person. i have a ton of friends from home that reminds me of it and empower me. it just sucks that i can’t make friends on my own. i don’t wanna forever be introduced as “hey this is my friend sophia”. i want to be able to tell my social anxiety to fuck off and perhaps enjoy my last year of college, as the others were wasted. i am moving off campus with two friends in hopes to meet new people and begin to live on my own, things my anxiety has kept me from in the past.

sure, i got and still get what i need to get done in college done. i thrive academically. the school itself is incredible- the courses, the faculty etc. which is what kept me here.

i never felt so isolated. i hear people laugh behind me in hallways or the library and wonder if they’re laughing at me because i’m always alone. i know it’s probably my social anxiety talking, but it’s how i feel. idk how to shake this feeling of regret. why couldn’t i just have gone here from the start? why’d i have to transfer anyways? why couldn’t i just suck it up at he first school? things i couldn’t change them are things i can not change now so i must face them.

this is my life and there’s nothing i can do about it. maybe it’s the fact that i know there’s more to life than getting fucked up every weekend at a college party that keeps me from making friends. maybe it’s the fact that i know i won’t find genuine friends at the same maturity level as me. i just wanna know i’m not alone in this and i’m not the only one who only experiences the college social scene from a phone screen. is social media distorting my view of my “fellow” classmates?