I saw on my sister's Facebook yesterday a video of my nephew's...gender reveal party. And it looks like the mom is his ex-girlfriend. There is a picture of them with weak smiles as they hold each other's hips. I met her at my family's Thanksgiving and Christmas dinners. She is essentially a "brain-dead teen, only capable of rolling eyes and texting," and my nephew's family agrees with that as well. Not only that, I'm pretty sure she's 16 and still has two more years of high school.

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When I found all this out, I was really shocked. I couldn't imagine having a kid myself at 22, even though I'm financially independent and stable (also I live 10 hours from my family, so I'll kind of always been an outsider to this thing), in contrast from my nephew who just graduated high school and doesn't have any real adult experience. In the past couple months I've taken a casual interest in child psychology, and this announcement was like a nightmare in light of all I know. My nephew complained on Facebook a couple months ago about being trapped in a cage, that is his mom and step-dad's house, and now he'll be stuck there for years raising a kid with his mom. My nephew is a complemented by enabling family members for his maturity, which is better described as "good manners" (e.g. saying "sir" and "ma'am") rather than self-sufficiency or selflessness. Better yet, he still engages in abusive bickering with his younger brother. Also has clearly had little opportunity for self-actualization. Ultimately, I'm worried they'll pass these traits to the kid, and I don't think anyone in that circle of the family ever really learned the gravity of what it means to be birthed and be alive. Or ever reflected on how their childhood environments were toxic, and the new kid will experience similar things they did because they never resolved those things they failed to confront.

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I could go on and on to express my resentment for this whole situation and the people involved, but another aspect is that my passivity towards my loved ones has basically blown up in my face. I remember lying in bed 3 1/2 years ago thinking about how I could be a better role model for my nephews. But I didn't do anything, then I found my boyfriend a month later and we have kind of selfishly lived in our own world. I could have opened up better communication with my nephew. On another note, I feel responsible for his poor life outcome as well considering that I babysat him when I was in 5th to 9th grade. Given that I grew up with abuse from my older brother and father, and experienced constant pressure to behave in a toxically masculine way, I would often replicate these behaviors on my nephew by gaslighting him, making him feel effeminate, fighting him, starving him, among many other controlling and abusive behaviors. I was, of course, a child babysitting a child, and hence was clearly too immature for such a role. I had little parental oversight to put a check on what I was doing, so I was stuck with my distorted idea of treating children. And when my nephew did confront my mom and sister on what I was doing, they always took my side because I was older and apparently less misbehaving. In fact, I'd say most of my nephew's misbehaving was acting out in response to my abuse, and I always framed the scenarios to paint me good and him bad.

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We've gotten along much better since, but I've never really apologized (my rationale, or passive justification, is that an appropriate scenario has never come up, given that I only see him when I'm home around holidays) nor tried to develop healthy, supportive communication. Maybe if I had done so earlier, or maybe it would have been mutually exclusive to him having a baby, I don't know. If it was bad when I tried to shape (control) him into a "better" person when I was a kid, maybe it would also be distasteful to be an influence for him today, or to project my unwanted expectations. But I should still give him an opportunity to listen to my apology and give him a chance to be in touch long distance, if he wants support (because my family is clearly not healthy if you couldn't tell from this post). Or if I'm predictable enough I'll just procrastinate on it some more.