It's been a shitty decade.

More recently, it has been a shitty post-summer. I try to remember to ask myself every day if I'm okay to work, because when I am okay I might be able to find something for the next few days, or even only one. I haven't been successful. It's hard to find something worth all the stress, fear, hunger and complete exhaustion. It's hard to find something I'm capable of doing. It's hard to find someplace that wants me.

I should finally get a payment next week. This week I'm just holding on. I can manage hunger better when I stay at home and don't tire myself out.

Every time things are like this, my inner voice sounds to me like the narrator from that Knut Hamsun book. It gets obsessive, borderline manic and more anxious than ever, with bouts of apathy and fatigue. Mostly obsessive. Am I gonna make it through the next week? What do I eat today? I'm not even that hungry, really. Am I? How do I know? I bet I'd know. Would I? I haven't even lost weight. I should be glad if I lost weight. No that's the ED talking, bad thoughts. Gotta stay healthy and strong. Oh wait I can't. Problem solved.

Make tea. Calm down. I'm not gonna die of this. Oatmeal is cheap. I can buy a pack with the money I get for returning a few cans found in a trashcan. It's fine to pick them out of there, as long as no-one's around. I can't have that kind of attention.

This is all tolerable because it's just temporary. Besides, it's my own fault for not eating just that cheap oatmeal all the time, or at least not managing my finances better. And for not doing more than just some temp jobs. And for not seeing a psychiatrist for depression, anxiety, ED and possible autism diagnosis (jk they wouldn't diagnose an adult woman with that).

Well first of course I'd need that magical full-time job unicorn for health insurance. And first of all I'd need to be able to do significantly more than lie on the floor and cry.

Those are all huge and complicated tasks. I don't know how other people manage.

And if I do get a "real job", I know the drill already. I'm gonna burn out in a matter of months and end up sincerely contemplating lying down on the train tracks on my way home from work. (I'm all about lying down, you see.)

Again, I don't know how you all manage.

And how do you ask for help if you need so much help all the time? How would my friends and family react if I started asking for help? If I started asking for everything I need? If I even knew where to begin. If I even had anyone to ask. I'm not sure if I do.

I'd be surprised if anyone read this, but thanks I guess, just please don't comment with anything rude or insensitive or mindlessly optimistic. I'm gonna sleep now.