What triggered me to finally want to open about this topic was being asked "where do you see yourself in 10 years?" today. I don't see myself anywhere, I want to be dead by that time. When I was 16 I made a promise to myself that I will end my life on my 30th birthday because I don't enjoy this. I think life is beautiful but I've never enjoyed living. And since I hit my 20th birthday, I've never had an answer to that question.

My work is my life because I've never had anything of value besides what I produce. It's the only one thing that helps me connect to people and garner some form of respect. Without work or away from places of work, I am tiny, invisible person lost in the backdrop. My colleagues, my bosses/managers, they actually appreciate me the way no one ever has. They are the only ones who invite me to meals/parties, offer mentorship and guidance, and an ear when I need one. Make me feel like I'm an actual person with a voice. I've never had that relation with anyone that I did not work with.

Besides my work my life is utterly boring and cold. I love people, being around people, sharing experiences with people. But I never fit in with people. I have many hobbies and passions that I practice regularly, I enjoy art and tattoos, working out, exploring food, venue, and events, but I do everything alone because I have never met anyone who wants to share any experiences with me. Never have. It's devestating and crippling, but I don't let it from appropriating what little happiness I can through the things that I love.

But I know this is not sustainable. I love being around people but I never belong. I tried going to meetups and groups, and everything is nice, but I have to spend a ridiculous amount of energy that is never reciprocated in any manner. Dating and relationships have always been outside my reach, but that doesn't hurt me as much as not having a social circle or friends does. I volunteer a lot (mostly terminally ill people) as a caregiver, and while this work is very fulfilling, it's draining. There's nothing that replenishes me except my work. There's only one source of energy in my life and that's respect through my craft, that's it. Nobody loves me just because of who I am, and I don't even blame anyone. Everyone has the right to have preferences and seek better options, and I'm never going to be good enough. It's an impartial life but I've given my best and everything outside my control is not favourable.

I enjoy life but I hate living. And more often than not I rely on the knowledge that I just have to live for 5 more years (an arbitrary number anyway) before I can quit. And like most things I promised to myself, I'm going to achieve this one as well. But I'm at that stage where I use this feeling as a crutch to just limp to the next thing, and I just want to get it off my chest that knowing I have decided to quit makes it actually bearable. First to strangers before I come clean to my mom after building up a bit o courage.