It’s been a hard week. On Tuesday I found out that repeated assault when I was really young damaged my reproductive organs, as well as genetic complications have ensured that I will never have kids of my own. It wasn’t necessarily something I wanted anymore, but to have that taken away from me by my father wasn’t something I needed.

Since Tuesday I’ve been staying with a friend, for my safety as well as my fathers. I don’t think I could ever kill a man but that man has tried my patience virtually my entire life.

I just received a text from him telling me I had four weeks to either get a full time job and pay 300 a week in rent, or all of my stuff that is in the house would be thrown away. And I can’t go back for those four weeks.

I have four older sisters, he bought them their first, second, and for some of them, third cars. He paid for all of their schooling. He didn’t charge rent. He took them on trips and paid for them for movies and things like that. He bought my two closest in age siblings nice laptops. He spoils them and their kids now, drops two or three hundred dollars here and four or five hundred dollars there. He bends over backwards for them.

My literal first memory is sexual abuse. I’ve been forced to clean the entire house and cook dinner for everyone since I was six or seven. I was punished for being smarter than my sisters. I was punished for being better at piano than my sisters. I was punished for not being tone deaf like my sisters were. I was locked in closets in the dark for several days with nothing but a bucket because I missed a spec in the kitchen. I had to homeschool myself all throughout middle school because no one would take me to school. I started public high school again because I knew people through a church I hated and I could get a ride. My mother tried to kill herself my freshman year. I was blamed because I wasn’t home with her all day anymore and she was lonely.

I was sent to live with family friends who actually happened to make it so I wasn’t purely the worlds most bitter human. I learned how to love others and be accepting. I started going to therapy. My dad saw I was making progress. He had me move back home.

I started paying rent at 16. It was 300 a week, which could be worked off with 30 hours of hard labor. Any money I needed on top of that I could do more hard labor for 3.50 an hour. My father refused to pay for anything so I had to work my butt off to make enough to get things like shampoo and conditioner or toothpaste. All of my clothes were trashed. I was getting sick constantly, unable to keep anything down and on top of all of that, my mother was telling me that I was “too fat” at 130 lbs and 5’5” and would make comments about how much “better” I looked after a few weeks of passing out almost daily doing hard labor in the sun and not eating anything. (I was maybe 125 at that point)

Because I was having to work and getting sick all the time, I missed a lot of school, which my father than claimed was the reason I wasn’t allowed to learn how to drive, but he told my sister his real reasoning of thinking I ‘didn’t deserve it’ because I didn’t ‘work hard enough at anything’ and I ‘didn’t deserve that freedom.’

Basically after two years of that bs I failed to graduate high school and he sent me off to live with my aunt, who wasn’t much better. She wouldn’t let me work on my license before I took classes to get an adult diploma, seems reasonable, but I also didn’t have money for the bus. Oh and the end of my senior year I was raped by someone I thought was a friend, which sent me into a whole other horrible mindset.

Well during all of this, when I hit puberty and started getting periods, I wasn’t able to function properly. My cramps had completely incapacitated me, my whole body was rejecting anything and everything. I was obviously extremely depressed and had major anxiety that I wasn’t allowed to get diagnosed or treated. I was forced to continue going to a church that I hated because when I told the bishop what was going on he did nothing. My father retained his calling and I was treated like a liar. When I told leaders they would tell me how it was my bi polar, manic depressive mother who was the issue despite the fact that she slept for most of my childhood and yes her comments stung, her constantly telling me I wasn’t enough hurt, but not as much as all the crap my dad put me through.

So I make it back down to my home state, I finally had gotten a job my dad couldn’t Sabotage like he did every other one, but it fell through. I lived with a friend for a bit. Moved home for a week, remembered how awful it was, a friend basically kidnapped me and forced me to live with her for a few months instead. When I say forced though, I’m not exaggerating. She ended up being kind of crazy as well and wouldn’t let me leave, because she was using this to impress people, to look like a saint while I had just moved from one abusive situation, to another significantly more covert one. I didn’t even realize half of what she was doing was problematic. I didn’t know she was lying to me about everyone else hating me so I had to cling to her.

Well I got out of that once I finally realized other people didn’t hate me. I talked to her mom and asked her to basically distract her while I left. None of it was pretty. I went back home and I was too beaten down to immediately get to work. I spent a day in my room and my father flipped. He took away my internet access again like he did for most of my childhood. He’s been turning my phone service on and off at his leisure, and even then I don’t have data. I have tried to get a few different jobs and every time he manages to sabotage it when I’m moments away. I also can’t get on the internet at home so I can’t apply for jobs. It’s too far from anything and also unsafe to walk. So life couldn’t get much worse right? Nope. Turns out it can.

My dad called a family dinner to announce that he was thinking about divorcing my mother. What he didn’t tell everyone was that it was because he’s having an affair with my sisters boss who also lives at the house, paying half the amount of rent that I am required to, despite having two cats. Oh and to add to that fun, she hates me. So it’s four people who hate me, two cats, and two dogs, one of whom was supposed to be mine because I was lonely as a child and visibly depressed after one of my sisters died, and my mom did one good thing but my other sister stole the dog from me.

So I got my last check from a job that I managed to keep hidden for two weeks before he demanded that they fire me or I quit or he was going to fully get rid of my phone service and kick me out. I went to cash it, and found out my only ID, an old passport card expired. Well my dad burned all of my important documents when he was mad at me when I was like eleven for having homework as a priority over making dinner. So I can’t get an ID because I don’t have the money in the first place, but I also don’t have the money to replace all of those documents. So I can’t cash that check, which would be enough money for the hygiene products I need right now.

On top of that, My sister got half of her reproductive system taken out and they asked about siblings, wondering if anyone else had any issues. They suggested to her that I make an appointment. I did. That was a mistake. Found out the whole infertile thing. Thank god I guess because god knows I couldn’t raise a child after all the crap I’ve gone through. Doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt though.

Well now there’s this development. I can’t go home and I have until June 1st to get everything out of my room. Or the alternative is getting a full time job which I can’t do without any actual experience except a bunch of jobs I couldn’t have for more than a week or two because my dad would find out. And I pretty much don’t have friends because I wasn’t allowed to leave my house for so long, and clearly whatever friends I made weren’t all that great anyway so I’m just...

Thinking about ending it at this point. There’s about three people who would miss me. They could live. I’m not really anyone’s closest friend. It’d be fine. Because honestly I don’t think I have any other options. I can’t live on my own I have literally no money. I can’t get a full time job. I can’t start taking classes like I wanted to because my dad won’t pay for anything but he makes too much for me to get any kind of grants. So I’m done. Because I’m stuck.

Tl:dr my life has been a nightmare and I finally have been backed into a corner and I think I’m done. I’m not fighting my way out of this one anymore.