i am 17m and white. for the past almost 4 or so years, i've told many lies about myself on the internet (and a couple irl) to be liked, even to my closest friends nowadays. they started off as small white lies irl, like my height and saying i was way shorter than i actually was. nobody thought anything of it, so i kept going on. i said i played way more instruments than i actually do, that i've never had a headache that i was culturally jewish to defend a (very cruel and horrible) internet opinion online that i have since revoked and never brought up again, and nobody has ever questioned it or knows about it anymore. i thought that since it died down, nothing would become of it. but i didn't realize lying more and more would get me in such a bad place. I used to feed off all attention, whether it was negative or not, so i had said some really bad things that i realized were genuinely bad after i took a small break and realized the consequences of my actions (ie, all my old friends cutting me off as a reality check that i need to get myself together)

i have been cut off by my old friend groups multiple times due to some pretty horrible things i've said in the past, but i recognize how much i had messed up, and now want to become a better person. all the lies from before were small and i admit i had lied about them, besides one. as said, i am white, but have lied and said that i am native and white passing. not mixed, 100% native. i have never touched anything with native culture, and used it as an excuse to not be called racist back when i was a stupid 14 year old. i will be turning 18 soon, and nobody in my current friend group has questioned it. i've kept it up by picking a specific region, talking about parts of the culture thanks to google, arguing with people online who had said i lied (and even fought back against it when i was younger) about it, which i have.

I want to drop all the lies, but i know that if i drop the fact that i'm white and lied about my race, everyone who i've formed a bond with would cut me off and leave, and i know this for a definite fact. They are very adamantly against things like lying for oppression due their social opinions of course which i agree with, i completely understand why. 2 of my friends in this group aren't white, and one being my partner, and i don't want to lose a relationship with them because of my lie, even though it's too late. They know about my past, besides this one thing. This is the longest relationship i've kept up in my life (a year and some), and i want to be honest with them. I'm so hypocritical, as i've also cut off friends in the past for lying about their race (and they were also both white), so if i ever came out about it it'd be a nightmare. I made fun of them for it under the guise that i was native, and my friends called them freaks and horrible people. I don't even post pictures of myself online anymore and haven't for years, in fear of someone calling me out for it. One of my online friends who lives near me wanted to meet up, and my first instinct was fear in case they found out, and told everyone else. I'm scared, and i know i've gone in too far, but there's no way i can keep this up forever. I feel so guilty, but i don't want to start my friend group over again, for almost the 3rd or 4th time. I'm at my happiest, besides this singular huge lie. I don't have a single person irl i can go to, i have no friends. The only person i've told is my therapist. I really don't want to live my entire life like this, or live some double life. Advice is appreciated. :(