I’ve been trying to be friends with my ex. And whilst we were talking yesterday, me trying to be there for him, he ended up breaking a boundary for me and I got noticeably upset despite trying to not show it before tearing up and getting upset about how I’m trying really hard right now and that my boundaries are a hard line in the sand. My ex, obviously stressed by recent events, snapped and said that I shouldn’t take things personally and that during our relationship he felt like he was walking on eggshells.

The thing is that I’ve been told that exact phrase by nearly everyone who’s been close to me. My dad, my sisters, etc etc. I have really bad anxiety. It’s better than it was from when I was a teen, but from therapy I know it’s a byproduct of emotionally abuse, and I have this thing where I just...cry. Like I don’t yell or get angry or anything; it’s like my body converts emotion like irritation or anger directly into tears. I try to hide it, but I have a horrible poker face and people can spot when I’m upset even before I start crying. Even through the tone of my voice over the phone.

And it wouldn’t be an issue if it were just occasionally. It’s just so much, so I can understand why people get upset with me. Like once I was baking a cake and taking my time because I find it a relaxing activity and the instructions said to “fold the ingredients”. My ex who was in a bit of a rush since there were guests coming, grabbed the bowl and mixed everything quickly and I just, you guessed it, cried. I grew visibly uncomfortable when exes were brought up, even in passing. Or people would make a small joke at my expense and I would tear up.

The thing is that I don’t want to be like this. I want to be able to take things in stride, but I just don’t know how. Like my ex talked about how he wished he could just share everything with me and be fully transparent without fearing me getting upset. My dad mentions that he wishes that I could take a joke. And I’m trying. I’ve been trying for years to get to a place where the people around me can just be. Because I guess I feel emotionally manipulative in a way? And I don’t want to use my mental health as an excuse