I’m not sure the best way to go about explaining my thought processes here. Nothing bad happened. I was just doing what I normally do around midnight: eating snacks and watching some TV. I decided to go to bed at around 4-5 am, and then things just started going wrong in my head.

I’ve always struggled with having low self-esteem, so I was just thinking about the normal sad shit I say to myself. You know, you’re worthless, no one likes you, you’re stupid and you’ll never finish college, etc.

Then I started thinking about my friends and I had a terrible moment of realization about one of the friends that I have. See, I pretty much don’t go to school with any of my friends anymore, so I’ve been considerably distanced from all of them at this point. However, one of my friends is someone that I’m really close to, and I’ve always considered our friendship to be special. I thought, of everyone, he would want to stay close and be in touch.

But when I talk to him nowadays, while we are still friendly, it feels like there is a huge difference in our relationship. What I mean by that is, he doesn’t really talk to me that much and when I text him I sometimes get straight up ignored for days or weeks. He’s moving to another state, and it’s unlikely I’ll see him again for a long time. All of this information came together and I just understood that we weren’t close friends anymore and that we probably never would be again.

I suppose in the broad scheme of things its no big deal. I feel a bit ridiculous typing all this out, but that realization broke my heart. It’s not just him; ALL of my friendships are kind of like that. I don’t talk to people through phone or text much, and I see most of my friends once or twice a year. Usually, a lot of things have changed and they all have their own close friend groups now. I pretty much feel like I don’t even know what’s going on in their lives anymore.

So, I cried out loud for the first time in years. I cry pretty often, but normally it’s silent. The sound of my own voice startled me because it was so involuntary.

The fact that all my friendships are in this state certainly says something about me. Perhaps that I’m not doing a good job of keeping in touch? That’s certainly true, but not in every case. I’m starting to realize that there’s probably something wrong with me. After all, if I was worth keeping around as a friend or if I was wanted, wouldn’t they answer my texts? Ok, I have to stop now ‘cause I sound insane.

I don’t know what the point of this is, or if it’s even coherent, but that’s what happened.