it took me months to finally get set up with a therapist through one agency. over the course of those months, i put so much emphasis on how important it was for me to have a therapist that is a woman. i told multiple people, i'd politely ask whoever i could to please put notes on my file how important it is to me. i did not want a male therapist. it is currently outside of my comfort zone and i have other things i am prioritizing healing from before i move on to that.

months go by, a therapist reaches out to me. it's a dude. a young, new therapist. he tells me there was never any mention of my request for a woman therapist. he insists that i "try" with him to get the "male exposure". throughout our entire session all he said to me was, "i understand how that would be upsetting," after revealing deeply traumatic things that have happened to me, because HE asked.

i tried two sessions with him and gave up. i know it takes time to get to know your therapist and for them to learn about you, but i just couldn't do it with him.

now, after waiting months all over again, i've finally been assigned a therapist that is a woman but she is much older and so far it doesn't seem like she has very like... new ideas? she was talking about the things i was sharing with her as if they were absolutes. like, everything was either WAY too positive or WAY too negative. like literal life or death. she basically told me that so long as i tell myself things are okay they will be. i get it but that's not how shit works. not when someone just revealed something so traumatic.. you don't tell them they'll be okay so long as they believe they will be. maybe that's just me though.

i was supposed to meet with her today and she ghosted me for the second time. our first session she cancelled last minute, then we met last week and it was alright, but it was how i stated above. now, i've texted her multiple times and no response. what the fuck? i have a life too.

my feeling are so hurt. i was so ready for this session and i have been so excited to finally begin the next chapter in my healing journey. it feels like the world is against me when this shit happens. i just need support. i need someone to talk to because i don't have anyone. i need tools to help me cope better with things. i need new ideas. i just need something, and i'm not getting it.

i'm so tired of being entirely alone. i can't even fucking depend on a medical professional.