In the last 15 years I have lost contact with all my siblings. One completely crossed the line and treated a family issue like if I was some guy from the street, the other is a degenerate, and so on and so on and so on. I think out of the litter I'm the one with the functioning moral compass. I've cut them off and them me. A few of them reach out every now and then but I can't help but think "Fuck it," and ignore them or just give blatantly sarcastic or bored answers. I know I sound like a dick but bear in mind, one hit on the woman I thought I would marry with no regrets and the other literally used to slap the shit out of me and choked me to sleep a few times as a kid to help me "study harder" if I spelled something wrong or forgot a formula or did kid shit like get out of line every now and then or broke curfew. He is a predict felon and by that time he had been arrested a few times and feared I would be the same if I wasn't pushed hard enough. I get it. Heart in the right place and all, they have not change a single fucking bit. Toxic people should not be allowed to step all over you right? So fuck them. I am happier when I don't see their number in my phone. The last few days one of their messages has been sitting at the top of my in box cause I will not open it. "I love you." And all I can think is "Nah this muthafucka needs money or something, fuck outta here." I have not opened it and it has been at least a week. My parent (I have only ever known one, the other passed away practically right after I could walk) did the best they could with what they could provide. I've turned out decent ( I hope). I own my car. I'm paying off a pretty nice home. I'm in love even though it has been rocky (Both sides are at fault here). I've served my country. Yes, Honorably. I never really saw combat, but a few of my battles took their lives, and if you have never know a military bond between two individuals in a sea of "holy shit did I really sign up for this?!" you probably won't understand. If you have never been to a military memorial, I would not wish it on my worst enemy. The final roll call is heartbreaking. Especially if the deceased's family is in attendance. Not to mention how the experiences that you go through can alter who you are entirely. Some things change for the positive but I swear for the most part I feel numb and yet all the time I feel like I am in pain inside. I got out to go back to school. I thought if I aimed to do something more fulfilling I just might be happy. School has been the last two years of my life and I have finally graduated with a degree in PoliSci. During school I was a fucking wreck. Constantly freaking out over grades and the way I phrased things and sources. I graduated with nearly a 4.0 and Magna Cum Loude. I'm the first person in my family to take it this far in academics other than the parent that passed. The numbness was there but dulled down. Now it's creeping up on me all the time, everyday, to the point where I am still awake at nearly 4 AM. I'm job hunting like a fucking mad man but I keep getting shot down. I don't have much experience but in the military I went pretty far in a short time and at one time owned my own company but a bigger company offered to buy me out and I could not refuse the offer. For a while, I was smoking weed and it would help put me to sleep. Now I smoke all day every day and lately I've started drinking to help me feel it a little more. I'm a little worried but not concerned just yet. I just need something to take the edge off. I keep telling myself I won't take it past weed and drinking. I'd bet money on those words. I am terrified of everything else. Anyways, lately neither one helps me sleep and last night I drank myself into an emotional wreck thinking about my parent that passed and how I don't feel connected to anything. I have people to feel connected to, people I have an obligation to feel for. And I force my priorities as best as I can. But sometimes I just don't feel real. I feel like one day I'm going to wake up and I don't know what but sometimes I just feel like this isn't real. I should be happy. I have a lot to be grateful for. More than most coming from where I come from. I am not boasting, I am just grateful to whatever or whoever was looking out for me. I should have died, quite a few times and I am being literal. I should have a criminal record. Not for anything violent. Just for trying to pay the bills the only way my life allowed at times. But I feel like this can't be my life. And as I say these words I tear up and I feel so fucking guilty toward the people in my life who I know truly love me. But I feel this void in my heart that is so deep I can literally fall into it on cue and just spiral into a strong depression. Sometimes for days. And it never really feels like it goes away. It just lightens up here and there. But it is always lingering. And it is always a challenge, getting out of bed and getting done what needs to be done. Am I just lazy? Am I just emotional? Am I just looking for excuses? I really can't answer these questions when I look at myself and it, in itself, is driving me nuts. Do I even make sense? Help.

Signed,

An adult who has lost his inner child, and has forgotten how to smile.