I’m just so tired of lying to my parents. There was a moment on the plane home from Salt Lake City, where my boyfriend lives, where there was some turbulence, and I was thinking about what would happen if the plane crashed, and that was when I realized if it did, I hoped I’d die. I was more scared of living and having to deal with my parents finding out what I’d done than just dying.

That kinda put things into perspective for me, and I don’t want things to be like this. I don’t want to be so afraid of my parents that I hide every aspect of my life from them. I just want to be honest and to be myself around them but also have them still love me and accept me for who I am.

It would be a huge risk to take to tell them the truth about everything, because it could go either really well or really horribly. I could either finally have a good relationship with my parents and stop having to hide so much, or I could get kicked out of my house and lose college money and everything I’ve ever known. I’m gonna pretend I have the balls to speak up to them and just brainstorm what I’d say.

“Mama, baba, I have something to tell you, but can you please let me finish before you say anything? I have a lot to say and I understand if it changes things between us, but I’m tired of lying to you guys, you mean too much to me, and I want you to know the real me.

Lying to you guys has hurt me more than I expected, and I don’t want to live like this anymore. I’m tired of being two different people, one when I’m alone or with my friends, and the other around you guys so you don’t hate me or judge me. I visited [boyfriend] in Utah this weekend. I paid for the ticket with my own money and spent the weekend there and then flew back.

I know you don’t like the thought of me having a boyfriend but I’m an adult and I can make my own decisions. And I have been to his house. Again, I know you don’t like the fact that I am dating someone else, both for traditional and religious reasons, but it’s my decision, and I know it might not turn out perfectly and I’m okay with that and can accept the consequences if it doesn’t.

I also am sure at this point in my life that I am not Muslim. I’m not sure what I would identify as, but I’m trying to learn about other religions to see if any of them are for me, and if not then that’s okay too, I’m okay with not being religious. Religion has never played as big of a part in my life as it has for you, and again, I know that’s not what you want to hear, but it’s who I am, and while that may change in the future, I am still growing as a person, right now it’s something I am confident in.

I’m not trying to make excuses, I know it was wrong of me to lie in the first place, and I know it was dangerous and untrustworthy and for that I’m sorry. I’m sorry if any of this makes you love me less, or not at all, and I understand if you can’t or don’t want to accept me anymore, but I felt like it was time to be honest. I hope you can respect that.”

Sorry for the long post, just need to feel heard by someone other than my Notes app for once.