my father lives like a 5 hour train ride away and i have visited him on my own several times since i was 14 or something.
i’m kinda anxious when i have to do such things alone so it was always very stessful to me, but around 2 years ago, when i was 17, something traumatising happened and i haven’t visited him after that and i really don’t want to again.

i was about two hours away from munich where i had to get off my train and wait for another; the seat next to me was free except for my bag i put there. at one station some radom dude, he was about 25 years old or something, got on the train and asked me if he could sit next to me. “of course” i said and smiled, then i looked at my book again. after sitting down, he tried to do some small talk, questions like “where are you going?”/“where are you from?”/“what’s your name?” etc., which clearly pissed me off but since he was a kinda nice guy, i answered him politeley, then we started to mind our own business again. so i was sitting there, reading my book for solid ten minutes without this dude interrupting me, when i suddenly felt a warm spot at my leg. was he touching me? i thought he maybe just stretched his legs a bit or something and it wasn’t on purpose, but then i clearly felt his hand on my leg. my whole body was shaking. i looked at him and this motherfucker just smiled and winked at me. i was so angry and i was ready to scream at him, what he thinks he is doing and if he could please stop that but i couldn’t say a single word. i was so fucking terrified, i couldn’t even move so i stared back at my book. i tried to focus on reading but the words didn’t make sense. i always made fun of people in horror movies, who couldn’t move because they were so scared because i didn’t believe this was a thing, but there i was, being touched by that guy and didn’t even say a word. i felt his hand gripping tighter and tighter, i have never been so scared in my entire life. then finally, i remembered that he had to get off at the next station and that the train could stop every minute, so i waited and just hoped, he would really get off there. as soon as this fucker left the train, i cried, and i didn’t stop until i was in munich.

you may have to know, at this time i recently broke up with my abusive boyfriend who raped me several times, which was the worst thing that ever happened to me and since that i’m very very sensitive with anyone hitting at me or touching me or anything so this was like a punch in my face. i don’t know what sick fuck thought that this was a proper way to flirt with girls or that girls liked that, but it was just an awful experience. i feel unsafe and tear up immediately when someone accidentally touches me or even is just nice to me. i’m literally scared of people i don’t know, especially men and i can barely talk to strangers since that. it made everything so much worse and i feel so bad about myself for not saying anything to him. i’m very embarassed by that but i was so scared. it may seem like nothing big but i think about it nearly everyday and it makes me so anxious.

if you read this, thank you so much for caring and i’m sorry if something like this happened to you too. stay safe please.