Apologies if this is hard to read, I’m not very good with punctuations but I’ll try my best.

Growing up, my(F,25) dad died when I was 3 and my brother (22) was only 3 months old. We were raised by my mum(59) was never a shoulder for me to cry on, she was always dismissive (when she’s not been full on cruel) towards me and my feelings.

She would hit me, she also got her younger brother(my uncle) to violently beat me sometimes anytime I “misbehaved”. Which was a lot of times because I never seemed to please her enough.
I’ll admit that I was a rebellious teenager, but sometimes, I get beat for the most little things too.

We were not close while I was growing up and I kept a lot of things from her, I had to get over a lot of really heavy and traumatic stuff that I went through (some of which she was the cause of), by myself

I was bigger while I was younger, so she would body shamed and literally call me ugly, some of my aunties also did the same and she never stood up for me.

I learnt to grow a tough skin and to re-parent myself, I have also become hyper-independent and self reliant. I still don’t open up to people when I’m going through tough times because it’s hard for me.

Now that I’m an adult, I have moved very very far from home.
She calls to tell me every little problem she has and expects emotional support from me. A lot of our phone calls leave me feeling drained and sad because she trauma dumps on me a lot.

I support her financially as much as I’m able to. she has now come to expect it even though, growing up, I sometimes had to lie to her or steal from her to get money for the most basic things (like sanitary pads) sometimes. Anything other than my school fees, money for books and clothes (that she picked out) was me “asking for too much and being greedy”

We’re African, and here, you’re expected to have a loving and functional relationship with parents who’ve abused and traumatized you, without having any Ill feelings towards them no matter what.

I feel guilty that I harbor this much resentment towards the only alive parent I have, but how could I not after what she’s put me through??