I’m a perfect mom and cook perfect dinners every night and have the perfect family and great friends.

Reality: Im a single mom of two boys with a suicidal junior in high school and a college freshman who is pretty much failing. Good bye $18k I paid for that. So far. I owe more but can’t pay it and don’t want to honestly. I live in an upper middle class neighborhood that I can’t afford but will have to move my suicidal kid out of his school if I do. He plays sports and is in the orchestra and has friends and loves his teachers. I should add that he loves me too. Both my kids tell me I’m a great mom all the time. I try so hard. The IRS sends me letters 2 days per week for taxes I’m trying to settle (bc my deadbeat ex husband claimed both kids erroneously and he filed first and a couple other errors) that I try to intercept from my SO who owns the house (but pays less than i do) who has Intermittent Explosive Disorder. Didn’t know he had that until several years later upon moving in and making an ignorant leap of faith. He has essentially made me give up my cat and constantly bitches about my 16 year old black lab that I’m putting down in two weeks (she’s probably ready even if I’m not). With him I’m no longer allowed to have pets though I’ve had them my whole life. Though he never stipulated it when I moved in with said pets, I’ve got to pay to clean all the carpets in his home (not my home) when my dog dies. He reminds me of it constantly which would be ok if he wasn’t giddy with the idea of my dog dying. He is always angry and I’m never going to be able to be good enough for him. I certainly can’t confide in him about my kids bc he criticizes them a lot anyway. Or my finances bc he’d drop me, though he threatens that all the time too so I’m always on edge and ready to move. He makes me feel bad for having friends whether I’m texting or going out without him. I just usually don’t anymore I less it’s a volunteer thing. I am a trustee of a high school varsity sport with a misogynist dude who constantly undermines me and leaves me out of critical correspondences (we are thankless and not paid). I cook really yummy dinners weekday nights and do all the grocery shopping from a menu i create weekly. No one else cleans. My job just laid off half my team and I’ve taken on way too much work in fear I’ll be let go too. My ex husband is a bitter narcissist who left me for someone else and hasn’t seen or helped pay for our kids in several years, but still harasses me and my kids via friends and social media. He never honored our divorce decree and still owes me many thousands, but I’m too afraid to see him in court bc I’m pretty sure he’d kill me. Or hurt my kids even more. I never get enough sleep. I’ve gained 30 lbs in 4 years (I’m short, so...) I have NO MONEY and my SO who has lots of money makes me feel bad about that all of the time. My former single mom friends don’t know this and scoff at me for being frugal. I lost several pseudo friends who made fun of me publicly in a local parents fb group bc they insist I’ve got money. I do nothing for myself ever. I cut my own hair. I tried on shoes to get free socks at a running store bc mine are so worn out and i can’t sew them anymore. I have no one to confide in and I have no back up whatsoever.

Here’s the thing: I can’t fail. I’m the only family my kids have. My SO is broken and I’m scared to leave him even if I financially could. In his defense, he’s still better than my abusive, stupid, weird fetish ex husband (who Id still be married to now Bc of an ignorant sense of importance of vows if he’d not left me after 15 years). Though ... I’m ok alone.

But I’m broken too. I’m so incredibly broken. And I’m 100% alone. And I can’t fail. I just pray I can find the strength I had as a kid and keep going in a productive way.