I'm not happy. I feel like I'm isolated from my friends and family, I feel like I don't have a direction in my life, and worst of all...I don't know how to fix it. I'm a valueless human.
Posted Oct 27, 2019 00:27 by anonymous
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5 comments
I guess more than anything I'll just use this to talk to myself, because that's all I do anymore anyways. Conversations I have now aren't really talking. The only actually talking I have is in my head to me. I guess it just feels nice to write it out.
I guess I don't really know what the objective of everything is supposed to be. I mean, enjoying everything, right? Enjoying life? I mean, people have different ways to do this, but no matter what it comes back to, I don't really feel like I'm happy. In what way is this *supposed to be enjoyable?*
I could sit around for hours...type paragraphs on what it is that causes me to not be happy. But in the end, it doesn't matter what I would pick, because *there's no way to fix it*. Honestly, *I* am the reason that I'm not happy. It's my fault.
I don't have much of a family. My mother is the only one who even considers my existence. She's wonderful. And the only reason I am still here. My father? I never knew him, and never will. My older brothers are busy, and have isolated me from them. I'm not sure why, exactly. I texted, called, and tried to contact my oldest brother several months back after being out of his life for nearly a year...no reply. It's like I don't exist. I wish I didn't, honestly. Clearly he feels the same way.
My middle brother? He keeps to himself, mainly. And I can't say I blame him. Why would he want to be involved in this shitshow of an existence? I sure don't.
And all of this would be OKAY, if I could say I knew it all got better. But where's the proof? People will say, "Look at them! They got better!". But they don't understand. Every person lives a life inside of their own world, their own mind. Some people are gifted in the sense that they are able to see and understand what goes on in their own world and spin it in a positive way. I am not one of those people. My perception of everything isn't the same as what it is for those people. My perception? Well, I feel trapped. And I know that is such a "stereotypical" thing to say. "Trapped". But there isn't a better way to define it.
I'm a below average human, with a below average existence. And I don't have a direction. And what sucks about that is that people will never understand. People will say, "Oh, it gets better. Just tough it out. You have a lot of potential!". Or they will say, "Others have it worse than you!". But what they will never understand is what goes on inside my head. My head? It's like a fucking whirlpool. One minute it is calm and the next, everything is turned upside down.
I'm an average student. 3.3 GPA in a useless field of Political Science who attends the definition of an "okay" D1 university. No clubs. No qualities. No anything. Of course, that's my fault, right? Should've been more assertive, should've gone to more clubs, should've cared more. Should have got to know more professors. But really, it doesn't matter, because society has these expectations. You have to do this; You have to believe that. These degrees of ______________ are useless. All of this? Well, like I said, it makes me feel trapped. Between doing what I enjoy and what society expects of me. And to make it worse? What society expects of me is a little too much.
Now, I want to talk about my friends. It's always the area I've had the most conflict in. At one point, I could truly tell, or even feel that my friends cared about me. It used to be the one spot that that made me feel valuable. I had a purpose. But even at that, my friends started to drift away. And quickly I realized I was responsible for that. They weren't drifting. I was pushing.
I became careless. I contributed nothing. And quickly...perhaps the quickest thing I've ever realized in my life...I'm nothing but a ***burden***. I exist, sure. But not for a reason. I'm in the way, I'm there, but for nothing. My friends drift away to this minute but it feels too late. They are gone. I don't get asked to do anything, be anywhere, or be myself. I'm forgotten.
And what fucked me up the most? I thought all of this stuff was fixable by materialism.
So, because I'm a useless loser...I decide to drop myself nearly $9,000 in credit card debt on top of the thousands I have in student loans...so that I can spend a semester abroad in college. Except, that didn't help. It only disconnected me more. So while I was gone, my friends and family moved further on. And it made me suffer. I have no way to pay bills, by the end of December I'll be $800 behind in my rent while I'm I'm concerned because I spent my money on nothing more than a concept that didn't make me happy. I eat ramen noodles daily.
And so that's me. Easily summarized: a failure. I'm out of friends, I'm out of family, and I'm very out of money. And it is too late to fix it.
And now? I'm almost out of will to live.
But I'll keep going along as I can. I just don't know how long that will be.
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Commented Oct 27, 2019 03:43 by anonymous
Life isn't about pursuing happiness. It's about pursuing purpose. Happiness is like being high or drunk, it's fleeting. Purpose will give you the will to endure the hardships of life. Look around you. No one you know is happy even half the time. Everyone feels the way you do even if they don't express it in the same words. The difference is they've committed to something. Not always good things mind you, people idolize money, sex, status, sports, religion, other people etc. and pursue that to their own destruction. Ask the hard questions. Why do we exist? What are we doing here? What does it mean to live a 'good' life. The answers will lead you to your purpose and while that may not grant you happiness it might bring you peace and contentment with your existence.
Commented Mar 26, 2020 06:00 by anonymous
Personally I've found that choice is one of the few things that don't make me feel empty. Like taking a walk and just listening to my footsteps, or seeing a movie on my days off because l can. Music helps too. A friend of mine uses virtual reality to talk to people. Life tends to be fluid, especially if you create opportunities to keep your mind occupied.
Commented Jan 16, 2022 23:59 by anonymous
“Life isn't about pursuing happiness. It's about pursuing purpose. Happiness is like being high or drunk, it's fleeting. Purpose will give you the will to endure the hardships of life. Look around you. No one you know is happy even half the time. Everyone feels the way you do even if they don't express it in the same words. The difference is they've committed to something. Not always good things mind you, people idolize money, sex, status, sports, religion, other people etc. and pursue that to their own destruction. Ask the hard questions. Why do we exist? What are we doing here? What does it mean to live a 'good' life. The answers will lead you to your purpose and while that may not grant you happiness it might bring you peace and contentment with your existence.”
What an excellent post you wrote. You are smart, and you are totally right with your assessment of his situation. I couldn't make out why he was feeling this way, but you figured it out. He needs a purpose, a direction, and to figure out why we are here and what is it to live a "good life." He needs to commit to something, and it's so true how people idolize movie stars, people with good looks, money, power, etc. all for nothing. Well done. I appreciate your intelligent addition to this site.
Commented Feb 18, 2023 05:23 by anonymous
You must be born again! This is how to do it:
We must realize that God exists
We must realize that He created us.
We must realize that God has a personality.
We must realize that because God created us; He has the right to tell us how we are to live our lives.
We must realize that God has communicated those instructions to us in the Bible.
We must realize that God has created a Heaven; where all those who die in holiness go too. And they enjoy eternal bliss with God throughout all eternity; and a Hell, in which the devel and all of his angels and all those who do not obey the Gospel of Christ go to; and suffer insurmountable pain throughout eternity.
We must realize that we have violated the instructions that God has given us. And because we have violated those instructions; we deserve to go to Hell. Because God requires us to keep his commands perfectly in order to get to heaven.
We must realize that we; in our own strength cannot keep God’s requirements. And thus we habitually break Gods commands. And thus are unable to save ourselves from Hell by our own ability.
We must realize that despite this; God loves us and wants to save us from Hell. And have intimate fellowship with us.
We must realize that in order for God to accomplish this; He sent a part of Himself to the earth to live in a mans body; to teach us more of His laws; and then lay His life down for us. We must realize that Jesus Christ came to die on a cross to appease Gods anger that He has toward us because of our disobedience; and to set us free from sins bondage through the Blood that was shed; water baptism; and Holy Spirit baptism. So that it is now possible to walk in obedience to His will.
We must confess our sin’s to God; agreeing with him that what we have done in the past that was contrary to His will is wrong and promising to never do those things again.
We must ask God to forgive us based upon the blood that Jesus shed for our sins. (i.e. disobedience to His laws.)
We must ask Jesus to come into our hearts and take up residence within us as our Lord. Promising to be submissive too Him in all things! Willing to forsake everything of this world that displeases Him! We must surrender our wills completely to Him! No longer to live our lives for ourselves; but for Him! To be wholly pleasing to Him in all things.
We must then be submersed in water. (e.g. baptized.) So that we can participate in the death, burial, and resurrection of Jesus Christ. (In a spiritual sense.) And for the remission of our sins. (i.e. deliverance from sins power.)
We then must be baptized in the Holy Spirit. You will know that this has happened when one of the nine manifestations of the Holy Spirit are operating in your life on a regular basis.
Commented May 29, 2023 12:52 by anonymous
Where are you in life at this very moment?b