I’ve (21f) got a couple reasons to be hiding out, it’s not just because of him (24m), but most revolve around him and our relationship.

So...

1) Lately I’ve been feeling depressed, and I can’t really express those feelings around him as he doesn’t understand my train of thought. Whenever I get “a type of way” he’s like “oh great, what’s wrong now?” So I try to hide and express them when I’m alone, normally when he’d be at work but he quit his job and has been looking for another, so he’s home 24/7 now and I don’t get any alone time anymore.

2) A while back I had a couple of arguments with him about his use of porn and masturbating... he was doing it excessively and was always pushing me away when I would make advances. This hurt so much cause I felt like he didn’t want me, that there was something about me that he wasn’t interested in. I told him how it made me feel and he was denying what he was doing and was telling me I was making an issue out of something stupid.

He quit his job and stopped doing what he was doing and has been given me attention now, no more pushing me away or being too tired for me... but I can’t trust him, I hate when I see porn pop up on his phone, I hate that he watches twerk videos, I hate that he watches hentai.. I can’t stand it cause it makes me feel like there’s something wrong with me, that I’m not good enough. I feel like I have to check his phone all the time to see when was the last time he was looking at it.

Today, he was up all night playing video games, and is still playing, but when he had originally taken a break I saw that he was on Instagram and then I saw him go on chrome and into incognito and looked up porn... I was pissed and got up to use the bathroom, as soon as I got up he quickly went back to insta. So I come back to bed and I feel pissed and nauseous so I went to the bathroom and hung out in there acting like I’m sick. He came in to check on me and I told him I felt sick so he left me alone and asked if I needed anything.

I came back to bed after being in the bathroom for an hour or so, he told me to lie down so I did, but I couldn’t stand being around him so I went back to the bathroom. And so here I am in the bathroom hiding and crying... like that stuff hurts, it feels like I’m being cheated on.. I feel like I’m nothing.

3) I keep thinking about my past, I used to work in a toxic environment which had a lot of sexual harassment. A few of my coworkers were always trying to get with me, and would ask me out and get handsy. I would reject them or lead them on, depending on the person, but I never did anything with them, I just liked the attention I was getting. I feel like I don’t get any attention anymore... not from my boyfriend. And I feel unwanted, and alone... I feel trapped. I love my boyfriend and I get there’s sh*t he’s dealing with and all, but I really miss the attention I used to get.

At the same time I hate myself for thinking like that, I absolutely hated the attention as well, it was fun for a while but it got to be too excessive to the point of harassment and I hated my job because of it... there was just too much and it sucked cause I was the only girl working in the warehouse (in a grocery store, all girls were primarily cashiers).

4) I feel absolutely depressed, with all of this going on in my head and just thinking about how sh*tty my life has been, and how shit my experience with “relationships” has been. I feel damaged by it all. I began to self harm again, to release those feelings and I keep wanting to do more... but my boyfriend and I live together in our own studio apartment, (which is why Im in the bathroom and not in another room cause theres no other rooms lol), I cant just cut myself and hide it, he would see it immediately, even when I find a good hiding spot for the cuts.

Finally,

I’m in the bathroom pretending to be sick, but I’m really here breaking down and hating myself and wanting to break up so that he doesn’t have to put up with my unpredictable emotions. I feel like things would be easier if I were alone. But the reason I’m afraid of splitting up is that we both moved to another state, we have no family or friends out here, so I (21f) would be alone here while he’d (24m) move to live with his sister at her home state.

I regret moving out here and leaving everything behind... but I can’t just move back home, as this is a 1 year lease and I’m out her for school, I could transfer to a school back home but I got to get this year over with first.