(M45) Where to begin? Well the where doesn’t really matter. only the when and Who **"LD"**

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**5th of February 2019. 9.30am.**

Little did I know that moment would begin to change me for the better in ways I had not even considered. Prior to that date I was a shell of a man, I had little to no self-confidence , even though outwardly I may look like I had my shit together, I haven’t, not for some 34 years. You see dear reader, I am a child rape victim, and like the ripples of water in a calm pond when a stone is thrown into it that single event still haunts me in many ways that are deeply shameful and even though I know I should not feel this way and that it was not my fault I can not help these feelings.

Whilst it only happened once, it is something that I have had to live with my entire adult life. For a long time I had buried those terrible memories deep in the back of my mind. I only really started to recall it in my early 20’s after my first drunken fumbling encounter at intimacy with "**TF"**. I don’t recall the first time I “Flashed back” but I can recall in vivid detail everything, I still have flashbacks to this day.

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**1985**

Whilst I don’t remember the exact date, I do remember it was the start of summer and I was 11 years old. **"GC"** was, or I should say is my cousin, I have no idea’s where he is or what he is doing, and truth be told I never want to. I also know that if I was ever to see him I would break down completely.

It was a hot day, both my parents (who to this day I hope, do not know any of this) where working. **"GC"** was the cool kid, 3 or 4 years older than me but he had the exotic pet, the dog, took me fishing, the yellow BMX bike, His father, my uncle, took him go-carting and both of us to a monster truck shows. He was the person I looked up to. Well on this day he said he had something to show me, and invited me to his house. He sat me down in a small kitchen table chair in the living room, Black metal frame, Brown wood handles, black upholstery with some small holes in it so you could see the yellow sponge inside.

He gave me what I now know was a glass of whiskey, (and this is the reason I can’t stand the smell or taste of it) saying I should drink it in one go, which trusting him I did. Whilst it was not a large glass it was enough to make me, an 11 year old tipsy. Whilst I drank this he put an adult film on the VHS player, one of those old top loading types. I don’t remember much of what happened after the tape started to play; only that he was holding my hand and leading me through the kitchen and I can smell the odor of the Rottweiler they had as he leads me up the un-carpeted stair case with white paint down either side of the wooden steps.

I remember the room walls having no paper on, but were painted yellow and the bed having an Liverpool football club bed spread, I was laid down on my chest facing the wall with an "Ian rush" poster in a yellow “Crown paints” kit, feeling powerless as my trousers were being pulled down and him on top of me, leaning into my ear and saying the words that are forever burned into my memory. *“This would be so much better if you were a girl.”* and then feeling something that no child should ever feel, the pain of something entering me. I somehow knew that this was very, very wrong. I don’t recall how it happened but I do remember running down the stairs, through the back kitchen and into the back garden that was covered in dog feces. I somehow managed to get past the black wooden fence, turned right, ran to the end of the ally way and through the gap in the wooden fence to where the hoses backed onto a small field and towards my own back garden.

I remember vividly climbing through my own back fence and getting into my home as the back door was always left open. I also remember struggling and terrified managing to close and lock it as he was pushing at the door screaming at me that if I was to ever say anything to anyone that *“he would fucking kill me, your mum, and your dad”*. I don’t remember much of what else happened after that.

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So now you know in detail the reason why for the last 3 and half decades, I have struggled with self-confidence, self-loathing, depression and anxiety. To cope with this I have done some pretty stupid things in my life to try and forget what happened, including alcohol and drug abuse. Whilst I was not thankfully addicted to neither, I have gotten into some pretty bad states by drinking whole bottles of Vodka, Southern comfort, and Tequila. I would also start my weekends on a Thursday and not stop until a Sunday, abusing Ecstasy, amphetamine, and Cannabis. This was partly due to the group of friends I had at the time but I do hold my hands up and admit that I was never forced or convinced to do anything I didn’t want to, I done them of my own free will, just trying deaden the feelings of shame and disgust I felt towards myself for what happened and feel normal and fit in for a short period.

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**<1997 (approx)>**

Much of this time is still hazy from drink and drugs but it was around this time when one of the group of around friends left a “spiked” drink for me, This resulted in my stumbling around the local area convinced that the trees were chasing me with air rifles and me making my way to the only place I felt safe, my parents house. So there I am, backed into a corner of my parent’s living room crying that killer tree’s were after me, Naturally my mother called an ambulance and got me to the hospital, never in a million years would I have ever wanted to let her of all people see me in such a state, I was so convinced that someone was out to kill me that I refused to drink or take anything given to me by the hospital staff. For 20+ years I have been clean of that scene, and broke all contact with anyone who could have left the spiked drink, isolating myself at home.

There are a couple of friends I know had nothing to do with it for various reasons, but hardly speak to them as they still from time to time like to “party” and that is a situation I can never be in again because I know I would not only be tempted, I would go back to that way of life. Sometimes it takes a scare like that to wake you up to how stupid you are being and how you are hurting the people in your life. Sometimes I do have fleeting moments of temptation, but know that it would be so much worse this time as I have much more disposable income and would end up loosing what little I have in my life. I will have the occasional drink to be social or to relax but rarely to the same point that I was at.

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So know you know the part of the history of why I am like I am, riddled with trust issues from being abused and drugged by people I should have and did trust absolutely, a crippling difficulty to make friends due to the trust issue, let alone any sort of emotional connection with women. Yes there have been Girlfriends but nothing that lasted more than a couple of weeks and the amount of sexual encounters I have had is in the single digit range, 8 to be precise **(TF, RH, MF)**, all of which have been drunken, unsatisfactory mistakes nearly 20 years ago, The shame of being single and so inexperienced for so long has only compounded the deep shame that I already feel about myself, Overeating gaining nearly 10 stone in the process which only added to the problems of meeting anyone. I am in no way “desperate” and will not just settle for anyone as despite all my problems, I still have some resemblances of self respect, but I had actually given up any hope of finding that one person who I could not only trust, but see myself building any sort of attachment and hopefully life with. I had happily resigned myself to being single for the remainder of my life, as I was and still am a mess with everything that happened; in some ways I think I always will be, but I have accepted that it was a terrible part of my life that should never have happened and I have to deal with it on a daily basis.

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**“LD”**

Now **“LD”** has been like a breath of fresh air, She has opened up to me about some of her own problems, and I have spoken to her of the abuse that I have been through and a lot of other events in my life, not in any great detail but she knows a lot of dark shit has happened. She is only the third person I have been comfortable enough with to share what happened.

I am truly honored, blessed and grateful to have met her, no matter how or why she came into my life, for the first time in over 25 years, maybe longer I now know what a friend should be like. She has been open with me treating me with kindness, respect and honesty without wanting anything in return, something that only few people throughout my life have done as with only a handful of exceptions, everyone has used or abused me for some reason.

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She knows that I have more than platonic feelings for her and has made it known that despite her liking me; she is unable to offer anything other than friendship at the present, which knowing what I know I can understand. What **“LD”** has no idea of is that I don’t actually know what I am feeling for her. It is a…..it is a new feeling for me. ***It is not Love yet,*** but it could very easily become so.

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It is more like a very deep feeling of compassion and protection as she is someone who has been hurt, manipulated, and ripped off by people she let get close to her and that her problems whilst as mired and complex as they are, and despite my own fucked up history are something I am willing to help her work through in any way I can.

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However this is at the moment something I can never explain to her as I fear it would push her away and that I would loose the most precious thing in my life at the moment, her friendship, as sad and pathetic as it sounds she is possibly my only friend. My only hope is that one day in the future I will be able to tell her how much she has done for me.

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**"LD"** if by some far flung chance you do stumble across this, and you recognize who I am in real life, Then I can never thank you enough. You have become my guiding light, my eternal sunrise, every fiber in my being is screaming out in joy to know that you are out there. Even if I live for another thousand years I will never be able to forget or repay the good you have done for me.

**P**

If you have read through this, then I thank you for your time. I needed to get this off my chest.