I guess it started when I was in the first grade. I came to the US in kindergarten and didn't speak the language and obviously didn't have the best clothes and over all didn't fit in. My parents don't speak the language and have worked minimum wage jobs their whole life. I was ashamed of it I didn't grow in an ultra rich community in fact most the kids around me were low income too, but for some reason I was ashamed of it more than everyone. In the first grade I made up stupid lies like every small kid does about being rich and having every console system etc.. It was gratifying and it was nice. It escalated I kept those lies until middle school and eventually highschool, I said my dad was a stock broker and would steal my parents credit card and spend their hard earned money to buy myself nice clothes to keep up the lie. One year I spent 12,000 dollars of their hard earned money on bullshit clothes and treating to lunch and movies friends to seem rich. When I came to college I told myself I would stop all that bullshit but a close highschool friend of mine came to the same college. The first night of college I blacked out and apparently introduced myself to all the people on my floor with the same bullshit background I would always lie about. Things got bad, I would lie to my parents about how much money school cost and I would again use their hard earned money to show off and pretend. I spent everything on strangers. I had my first serious relationship and she got fed up with me never introducing my family to her. She came from a poor family herself so its not like she only dated me for appearances or sought the wealth I would lie about. We dated for 3 years and she felt as if she wasn't good enough for me and I was embarrassed of her. I broke up with her because I just couldn't admit to her the truth it got out of control. During my college period I never returned home. The minute I got an apartment for college I stayed there and never visited my parents I guess I was too afraid of being seen with them and running into someone I had lied to. I havent really spoken much to my parents in the past 4 years but them being the best people will help me out no matter what I need and I still lie about them.

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I fell into depression so I began to see a college counselor, I was afraid of how fucking crazy this story sounds so I passed off my depression as my girlfriend leaving me. I even said she left me because I was bisexual, I think I have bisexual tendencies but I used this to shift my guilt to her. I have felt truly alone the past few months and because I lie all the time I think I refrained from making deep connections with people. I dont really have a best friend but I do have friends. I lie a lot about the dumbest shit.

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Here is the biggest fucking one, college was ending it was our last quarter and Im tired of pretending so I told myself in my adult life I would start all over get new friends and this time not lie, but I blacked out again one night and told one of my friends that my father had died. This was a lie. My friends all properly consoled me and my ex girlfriend even reached out. We worked things out for a bit and she felt immense guilt that she missed his death. To make the act seem believable I acted angry at her. I feel like Im torturing this girl. I decided that was the breaking point no fucking way I can ever work things out with this girl now that lie is dark. So I broke up with her and of course blamed her for not being there for the fictitious death of my father. My relationship with my parents is shattered I have taken so much from them and they know they can feel Im ashamed of them. I built no friendships I can realistically keep after college and I just feel so fucking alone. I feel like what Im doing is down right fucking criminal and dangerous at this point. I dont want to be alone and I want a family at some point but I dont know how to stop lying. I love the friends I have now but I ruined things for myself and I think I need to throw it all away. To lie about a parents death thats the ultimate low blow and I think people will think Im psycho for admitting the truth. I think I need to just fuck off suck it up and start new. I feel so alone I hate myself for ruining all this for myself. Im such a bitch.

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The honest truth I am more ashamed with the person I have become than I ever was of my original background. I have thought about killing myself but to be honest the thought of everyone meeting my parents and realizing after death how much a fucking liar I was sickens me and I dont want to bring that darkness to my family. I have lied to everyone about who I am I have ruined a period where people form their deepest relationships and I just dont know how to move forward. Am I sick? Am I a broken person? Is the world better off without me? Am I like a sociopath or someshit?