I thought I had everything under control until I had a mental breakdown a few days ago. It started when I was taking care of my 2 year old brother, until around 1AM on a Friday night. I was tired and stressed from exams. I just took my AP exam the day before, and another test for the same class on that day and I was sure I failed them (I didn’t though, I got an 84% on the test, the AP exam results will be released in July). I studied incredibly hard for those tests, about 3 weeks in advance, and I was worried about my results even more, because I felt like a failure. I felt like such a failure, because I studied for 3 weeks, and I couldn’t even do that right. I was also stressed because I had 5 exams next week, and I knew I wouldn’t have time to review and study because I had to take care of my brother for the next 3 days. I felt like I would fail them for a sure, and then my mind went to what life would be like until I would be able to graduate. I would be having sleepless nights on the weekends and Fridays and sometimes on certain other weekdays when no one will be able to take care of my siblings, for the next two years. I would have to endure the stress from raising my siblings and handling school for a long time until I could leave the house. When this realization dawned on me, I laid my head on the dinner table, unable to stop crying. I wanted to kill myself. I was tired of feeling this way. And I hated how selfish and spoiled I was being - I was just helping my mother out by taking care of the kids, and it was the least I could do. Yet I was crying over it and feeling sorry for myself. I didn’t deserve that. My mom is working harder than I am. Before this, she took up two jobs for the family.

Even then, I couldn’t stop crying. I was so exhausted from everything. And I knew I had to stay up later than 1AM to study for my exams since I wouldn’t have any other uninterrupted time during the day (my mom usually comes with my stepdad from work at 12-1AM, and I don’t have to take care of my little brother by then). The week took a bigger toll than me than usual not only because of exams, but also because I was sick and had frequent headaches during the day, and I just couldn’t stand that. Due to that, I didn’t have enough energy to study my parent came home to take over.

So, I passed out when they came home, and the next day, the anxiety of last night didn’t leave me. I kept on thinking about it. Then, I started thinking about my little sister, who was off at a sleepover. I felt like I didn’t do enough for her. I didn’t raise her enough. I don’t give her enough attention. I’ve mostly just been studying and trying to distract myself by using my phone in the afternoon, occasionally playing with her, and etc throughout the week. My sister doesn’t deserve that loneliness. I can tell she’s lonely when I don’t play with her or spend time with her, since our parents are barely home, (except for my mom on Wednesdays) and she had no one else to spend time with since my stepdad is usually off with his friends or taking care of my brother while watching soccer games in his room. I’ve tried my best to raise her the best I could, but it’s never enough. She lies often, and she stole money from my stepdad twice, which my mom had to pay back to him. I don’t do enough, and I’m a worthless piece of shit who can’t do anything write. A fucking idiot who can’t even raise kids right or get off her ass to play with her sister because shes to fucking lazy to get off her phone and deal with reality. A fucking idiot who got a failing grade on her quiz last week. A fucking idiot who can’t deal with the tiniest inconvenience. What the fuck is wrong with me?