I’m 16 and I feel miserable. I’m tired of being a mom to my siblings. I’m tired of feeling like a housewife juggling school. I’m tired of feeling worthless and inadequate.
Posted May 19, 2019 16:00 by anonymous
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6 comments
I thought I had everything under control until I had a mental breakdown a few days ago. It started when I was taking care of my 2 year old brother, until around 1AM on a Friday night. I was tired and stressed from exams. I just took my AP exam the day before, and another test for the same class on that day and I was sure I failed them (I didn’t though, I got an 84% on the test, the AP exam results will be released in July). I studied incredibly hard for those tests, about 3 weeks in advance, and I was worried about my results even more, because I felt like a failure. I felt like such a failure, because I studied for 3 weeks, and I couldn’t even do that right. I was also stressed because I had 5 exams next week, and I knew I wouldn’t have time to review and study because I had to take care of my brother for the next 3 days. I felt like I would fail them for a sure, and then my mind went to what life would be like until I would be able to graduate. I would be having sleepless nights on the weekends and Fridays and sometimes on certain other weekdays when no one will be able to take care of my siblings, for the next two years. I would have to endure the stress from raising my siblings and handling school for a long time until I could leave the house. When this realization dawned on me, I laid my head on the dinner table, unable to stop crying. I wanted to kill myself. I was tired of feeling this way. And I hated how selfish and spoiled I was being - I was just helping my mother out by taking care of the kids, and it was the least I could do. Yet I was crying over it and feeling sorry for myself. I didn’t deserve that. My mom is working harder than I am. Before this, she took up two jobs for the family.
Even then, I couldn’t stop crying. I was so exhausted from everything. And I knew I had to stay up later than 1AM to study for my exams since I wouldn’t have any other uninterrupted time during the day (my mom usually comes with my stepdad from work at 12-1AM, and I don’t have to take care of my little brother by then). The week took a bigger toll than me than usual not only because of exams, but also because I was sick and had frequent headaches during the day, and I just couldn’t stand that. Due to that, I didn’t have enough energy to study my parent came home to take over.
So, I passed out when they came home, and the next day, the anxiety of last night didn’t leave me. I kept on thinking about it. Then, I started thinking about my little sister, who was off at a sleepover. I felt like I didn’t do enough for her. I didn’t raise her enough. I don’t give her enough attention. I’ve mostly just been studying and trying to distract myself by using my phone in the afternoon, occasionally playing with her, and etc throughout the week. My sister doesn’t deserve that loneliness. I can tell she’s lonely when I don’t play with her or spend time with her, since our parents are barely home, (except for my mom on Wednesdays) and she had no one else to spend time with since my stepdad is usually off with his friends or taking care of my brother while watching soccer games in his room. I’ve tried my best to raise her the best I could, but it’s never enough. She lies often, and she stole money from my stepdad twice, which my mom had to pay back to him. I don’t do enough, and I’m a worthless piece of shit who can’t do anything write. A fucking idiot who can’t even raise kids right or get off her ass to play with her sister because shes to fucking lazy to get off her phone and deal with reality. A fucking idiot who got a failing grade on her quiz last week. A fucking idiot who can’t deal with the tiniest inconvenience. What the fuck is wrong with me?
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Commented Jul 12, 2019 15:30 by anonymous
You're 16 , you shouldn't have this many responsibilities at that age, definitely not that of a mom, I know you're helping out but don't be so hard on yourself, you're not worthless, you're not a piece of shit. you're doing your best and its amazing that you have all that on your plate at 16, at 16 I was smoking weed and drinking hanging out with friends. Nobody can ever say to you that you're not doing a good enough job.
Commented Jul 12, 2019 15:32 by anonymous
I understand it is heartbreaking cause kids that young need the love and attention , just do your best that's all you can do.Ask for help tell your mom about all this , if you don't tell her she will think you'll doing just fine.
Commented Aug 7, 2019 21:54 by anonymous
Look I'm gonna be straight with you.
It is NOT YOUR JOB to raise your siblings. It is your mother's.
You are doing the best you can considering the circumstances.
Your sister is crying out for attention I'm assuming because she's being raised by a child and misses her mother.
You are entitled to your feelings but sweet heart you MUST tell your mother or a school councilor or anyone in real life that you are feeling so desperate. You're in a tough spot
You should be able to enjoy the things kids your age are doing. We don't always have to be the "good" daughters to be good people. Hang in there. You shouldn't feel guilty about approaching this convo with your mom either. She needs to know.
Commented Mar 5, 2020 01:30 by anonymous
The only thing you're doing wrong is giving too much of yourself to others. Oh, and blaming yourself. You are clearly a hard worker, you are compassionate and humble, and I think you're smart--you'd do fine in school if you could lower your stress. Really, workplaces don't care about your grades all that much--they care if you completed the course or not. Stop beating yourself up. If you take care of and look after yourself first, then you'll max out your potential. You're a wonderful young woman, and I hope you can go where you please. Feel free to email me if you want to talk more. I'm at e.i4is92g at gmail. Yep, weird handle, I know.
Commented Mar 5, 2020 01:31 by anonymous
Well come be my sugar baby
Commented Sep 4, 2020 08:06 by anonymous
Love, you don't have to blame yourself for the things you've done for your siblings and mother, and certainly you have done everything you could have ever give to them. I'm sure your little sister appreciates you, but she may take a while to understand that.
I had a similar situation to you, I helped raise my siblings because our parents are working abroad, and things can get messy because of their different needs. I've forgotten how many times I've ran from my class to the clinic and searched the whole school because my brother decided that running around while having a nosebleed is fun.
Like you, I had a breakdown while in class. I was telling my 10th Grade PE teacher what I've been through; raising my siblings, giving them proper discipline, scolding them every single day. I felt lighter. Free. I know that it must be hard to let it all out and bawling your eyes in front of someone you know, but it would be worth it. I promise you.
I want to tell you something he told me that made me more solid of myself, “I'm proud of what you did for your siblings, and I know it's hard shouldering that heavy of a responsibility so young. Your siblings and parents are lucky to have a child and sibling like you. But you need to think about what makes you happy, maybe take a breather often. If I ever have a child, I want them to be just like you.”
Man had a child and was telling the whole class while smiling at me. I never felt more proud of myself than right at that moment.
Sweetie, don't you dare feel like a failure for what you did. When they grow up and started thinking for themselves, they'll cherish you more like mine did. Though that authority might shake when the parents are around, those two got meaner the longer my parents stay.