I don't even know why I'm doing this, I guess I'm hoping writing it out will help but idk honestly :( I just got home from swinging at the park at 9pm, and crying. I'm so overwhelmed. It made me realize I keep myself busy and distracted because if I don't.... I'm afraid of what I might do.


I've always had a difficult life, and things have never gone well... And the times I've felt genuine happiness, they always end absolutely horrible and I wish it never happened.


I feel like I'm in this huge huge world, and I don't have a reason to be. I'm scared. I feel absolutely so scared and I don't even know why... I feel so alone. Like there's nothing for me to even live for... But here I am.


I can't be by myself easily.. Nighttime is absolute torture for me. I can't fall asleep, but I don't want to be awake. I absolutely do not want to be awake, but I can't fall asleep and I'm all alone and I'm sad and I'm depressed and can't stop thinking. I've tried everything.


I have my dad who I absolutely love and would do anything for, and my sister and my dog. I love them and if not for them, I already know I would've ended things.


I really, really don't know what to do anymore. I know I won't kill myself. I love my dad and he's been through so much, I won't add to it. My little sister is like my own child, and I can't hurt her. I can't hurt my dog. I don't know who would take care of her. She looks for me when I leave the room. I know she loves me.



I'm just so tired. Beyond tired. This is my everyday battle. If I get 10 seconds of just thinking because I'm not doing something.. The thoughts start. I wanna die. I don't wanna be here. I can't do this.


I don't know what to do. I hate being awake. I feel like I'm worthless. Nothing good will ever happen. I'll be alone forever. My older sisters have relationships, and are going to start their families.. They're happy.


I've been in two relationships. The first was abusive and lasted until I was 22. The second was with a married cheater who lied about everything and was emotionally abusive and manipulative. He hurt me. But he comes back sometimes and makes me fall in love again and get in my feelings... Then he leaves again. He's a horrible guy but I always have hope and I don't know why. Why him? Why does my happiness seem to be attached to a crappy guy whose married and lies about wanting a divorce, uses me for sex and cheats over and over?


Why am I like this? Why is my life like this? I can't imagine living 60 more years. It absolutely crushes me and makes me tired to imagine 5 more years. Everything has fallen apart and I don't want to be here. Ugh. I feel totally 100% helpless.