My entire life is built around becoming a doctor. I'm currently doing an undergrad degree I hate because it will help me become a doctor. I volunteer because it will look good on my resume so I can become a doctor. WHO'S A GOOD BOY, I'M A GOOD BOY OH YES I AM OH YES I AM. I join bullshit clubs and committees so that I demonstrate "leadership"--whatever the fuck that means-- so I can become a doctor. I kiss up to profs so I get reference letters so I can become a doctor. WRITE IT PLEASE OH DEAR GOD PLEASE WRITE ONE. If I'm not volunteering then I'm studying so that I can get a high GPA because everyone knows that unless you have a 4.0 your application gets tossed, so I study and I study until I blow my brain up. OH FUCK OH FUCK I SCREWED IT UP OKAY NOW HONEY JUST BREATHE JUST BREATHE GOOD JOB IN AND OUT NOW IN AND OUT. I have a job--the kind that looks good on a resume--I hate my job. AND the fucking MCAT--don't ever forget the MCAT--it's your golden ticket to med school Charlie, now you hold on tight to that ticket, alright? My parents oh god my parents dear lord my parents. "You have to be a doctor" they say. Well, fuck. If I don't then what? I hear about it for the rest of my life that's what. But why? you ask. Well, good question Sal, they are trash pickers is what they are. Yep that's right they pick up the shit other people give away free and they sell it. The whole neighborhood knows--they see us hauling junk sofas and mattresses day and night into our house. Good gosh! Now what do your folks do with all that junk? Surely it don't all fit? Well, they do. Do they ever. The inside is stuffed. Doesn't even look or feel like a home. My parents are away day and night doing it. Barely see my mum. Boohoohoo I miss my mummy, she's glued to her phone all day she doesnt talk she doesnt talk and she steals and oh no she's gotta go talk to you later I love you but maybe I dont. You're NOT allowed to buy anything nothing nothing nothing. Go study! Well guess what? I have daddy issues too cause' he's in a bad mood from hauling junk all the time that when he sees me he says "why are you the way you are? SMILE SMILE SMILE" oh god oh god but why should I smile if I'm not happy? Boohoohoo and I cry and I remind myself that if I don't get my shit together and get into med school I'll fucking die in this place and haul trash like them. Boohoohoo. Well what if I don't--oh dear god what if I dont?!?! Well, dear customer, we currently have a selection of: I'm going to kill myself if I don't make it by 40. well, jeez louise, I'm not sure I'm interested. well guess what? that's the only choice you have, you either take it or you work work work everyday in that job you hate so much and you say "star light, star bright, first star I see tonight, I wish I may, I wish I might, marry a doctor or fuck am I gonna hear about it for the rest of my life" Oh dear god that just sounds awful Boohoohoo Im sad, maybe I should do drugs to ease the pain? Boohoohoo I can't do drugs you know why skipper? because then I can't be a doctor. Oh fuck I should be studying but I just cried and I haven't eaten for so long you wanna know why? Because I'm doing intermittent fasting ya silly goose! And why am I doing so? Well good question, you see young grasshopper, I need to be thin so that I look good in clothes cause' no one wants a fat doc am I right now? Oh jeez I almost forgot I need to be thin thin thin to seduce him to get me out. MONEY MONEY MONEY no money live like me--in an ultimatum. Well fuck who wants a gold digger? Pick me pick me! Boohoohoo but I want to make it on my own. I'm smart and sane I swear by the father, the son, and the holy spirit.

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And the worst part is, I actually want to be a doctor. I want to save lives, I want to help the community, I want to make a positive difference...But I'm so lost in the process.