I love her, but I at the same time hate everything about her. I can't stand being in her presence. I hate that shes my Mother. I don't know why I resent her so much. I think it's because shes borderline crazy and everything I dont want to be like when I'm older. I frequently get suicidal and a lot of the time it's because I just want to stop being near her. I honestly sometimes wish she would just die already. I know I sound like a terrible person. And I'm pretty sure I am. But this is the truth of how I feel. I can't tell anyone this because they won't understand how whenever I'm around her, my anxiety gets so bad and I get physically tense and it feels like my brain goes into fight or flight mode. It might be because when I was younger she hit me a few times, or because she almost always takes her frustration out on me and none of my other siblings. Her frustration is my biggest fear. And shes almost constantly frustrated, especially since my Dad died. Her screaming at me is the worst thing ever, I hate it. It could also be because when I was 9 told her I was being sexually abused, I told her not to tell anyone and she actually listened to me. A nine year old. I just wish she would've not listened to me and done something about it.

So yeah, I most of the time just wish she would die. And her health has been really bad lately. And I can't help but wish the whole process would speed up. Am I a terrible person? I hope not.