I know it’s a strange thing but, I have something called an autobiographical memory. My entire life is just one cue away from me being able to recite a conversation or accurately share the dates/times something happened to me.

It’s awful.

I’ve met very few people who have memories like mine and there’s probably a good reason for it. It’s so painful. If my life had been more awful, I don’t know that it’d be survivable. Every bad thing, every traumatic thing, is just a nudge away from being remembered in explicit, excruciating detail.

I also know that most people can’t remember the level of detail that I do, so when stories don’t add up. Timelines don’t match. I have almost no way of knowing if it’s a good faith mistake, or I’m being manipulated until it’s too late.

Amnesiac drugs also don’t work right on me. I’ve woken up from multiple medical procedures or been able to recall what happened during them that I really shouldn’t have. Forgetting is a gift.

I know I’m in a biased place right now and when I’m through the worst of it, I’ll be grateful for how easily I can recall my favorite experiences. But it doesn’t change the base fact: Everything bad and everything good is always happening to me all at once.

We’re not meant to remember painful things in this level of detail. I’m going through a stressful time right now and i just needed to vent about how much harder this is for me than anyone seems to understand.