I hate when people are mean to me. So often I even take an innocent joke at my expense as an attack on my entire character. I know that’s not true, but it still feels bad.

The problem with that is that I’m a hypocrite. So often there are times when someone is just being themselves, and I say something mean. In the moment it feels good, especially if someone else is around to agree. But later, when I think back to the things I said and how it made those people feel, I feel guilty. I’m the person I hate.

Why do I act this way? Maybe I think that it gives me more personality, like it makes me cooler and more fun to be around somehow. There are a lot of times where I consciously try to be nicer. The only problem is that it makes it harder for me to stand out, like I lose what little “edge” I had to show to others.

I’m pretty quiet in general, and I’m so shy about sharing my interests because I feel like I know people don’t want to hear about them. Everyone wants to talk about what they like, not what someone else likes. Even my friends and family are hard to talk to, especially one on one when I have to help carry a conversation. I just feel boring.

I hate to say this, but I think a lot of people see me as somewhat “fake”. I don’t share my deepest feelings or thoughts with people because I’m afraid of being judged or “attacked”. I don’t let people know the real me, and I feel like people see right through me because of it. People don’t feel like they really know me, and I feel like I don’t really know people. Especially my friends. They’re definitely good friends, and I know they’re there for me if I need them, but I’m never the first one anyone goes to for anything. I feel like they all like me, but none of them love me.

It’s the opposite with my family. I feel like my family loves me because that’s just what family does, but sometimes I feel like they don’t really like me. Like I’m too annoying or not remarkable enough. The logical part of me says that it’s not true, because of course my family likes me. We are by no means dysfunctional or anything like that. I just feel like we have trouble connecting and it bums me out.

I want to be a nicer person. I want to be a more interesting person. I want to be a more real person. I don’t know how to be all three at the same time. But I’m going to try. Hopefully I can learn.

Sorry for the rambling way I wrote this, I wrote my feelings as they came into my head.