Excuse my english, it’s not my first langauge. Also tl;dr at bottom.


I didn’t torture animals because i enjoyed it or found any pleasure in doing so, but i couldn’t control my emotional and mental state at the time.

It was in early morning, around 5am in december. I lived in an abusive household where my dad used me as a scapegoat for everything. If he felt like insulting somebody he would spout it at me, if he felt like letting out his anger he would hit me with anything near him.

Usually he find an excuse for hitting me, something so trivial but he always had an excuse like “why are you smiling for no reason?This is disrespecting!” Or “Why haven’t you cleaned my car yet?” Despite him never telling me to do so.

But that night before he just barged into my room completely silent and starting beating me with a wire.

I was confused, scared, but absolutely furious and angry. He didn’t even bother to find anything to excuse himself, he just did it; why? Because he could.

I didn’t sleep all night i was just looking at myself in the mirror and examing my bruises all over my arms and legs...and just was fueled with rage and bent up anger from all the times he hit me.

Why? Why would you do that? Why would you hit something too weak to defend themselves? Why would you abuse your own children? Why would you hurt someone who depends on you? Why would find pleasure in someone else’s pain?

Is it really pleasurable? Does it make you feel powerful? Is it fun? Is this why everyone is evil? Is this why bad people always make it through life happily?

I went outside without realizing because i was deep in thought and processing this whole situation, i thought...maybe my solution to get through life is to be guiltless, cruel, harsh and apathic.

That’s when i heard a few distant meows from behind a portable bathroom, i went to investigate to find 3 kittens under a dumbster.

Look at them, so weak, so fragile, their mama must have left them to find food. It was bad move from mama to leave them on their own. this is my opportunity to show their mama that life isn’t fair and absolutely cruel.

So, in a moment of anger, i picked up one of the three kittens, a white one with black spots on its' back, then stomped on it’s tail until it couldn’t scream anymore. Why should i feel bad? After all, nobody would show me any mercy it that was me; so why should i?

Then, i picked up the second kitten, still angry and furiousy and thought racing about how cruelty is the way of dealing with life’s unfairness, then broke each of its’ legs, one by one it would scream and whine louder than before.

At this point my feelings are mixed with anger and guilt, but i told myself i’m training myself to not feel guilty anymore and be harsh, because that's what my dad did.

Third kitten is already whining and meowing for its’ mama, i picked it up...what should i do with it? Gouged out its’ eyes? No i can’t it’s too messy and gross. Should i throw it? No, too merciful compared to their siblings. I went to feel my pockets to see what i can do, i had a swiss army knife and a lighter.

I chose the knife, i decided to just slit it’s throat, the other kittens are still alive and whining in pain i was too distracted to realize i haven’t finished them off yet. After i was done from all this, i went home and cried all day, because my feeling were mixed from bottled up anger and guilt.

But at the same time, now i know what’s it like to overpower the weak, abuse them, use them, hurt them, take advantage of them, and they don’t have means to defend themselves in any way

This was a long time ago, but i had to get it off my chest, no i’m not looking for validations for my horrible acts, this wasn’t the last time i hurt an animal, in fact this wasn’t the worst either, but this was my first time hurting an animal.

I regret everything i did, and i want to make up for it.


TL;DR: i tortured 3 kittens, one got stomped, second got all of its’ legs broken, third got a slit throat, all because i wanted to know what it’s like to abuse and overpower the weak, as a result of my dad physically abusing me.