For some background information: I was in an abusive relationship for almost 2 years, I was a sex slave to this man but managed to break up, not only that, I have some mental health problems because of my whole life was traumatic.

Almost 1 year ago I broke up with that son of a fucking biscuit, since then I had 2 times sex with a guy. He's actually very sweet, but also very sexual and kind of a 'fuckboy' so there are no emotions, he has a great personality but that's it.

Yesterday we met up to smoke a joint, he's still not over a breakup and I just wanted to check up on him. Since a few weeks I'm getting worse, I'm again suicidal and want to slit my wrists, but I'm strong enough to not going back to such behaviors, so of course I wasn't in the mood for sex or kissing or fucking body contact. He got closer to me and dominated me, but in a really kind and soft way, I didn't want to get so close but I tried to calm down and to enjoy it. He slipped his hand in my pants and I was like "no pls don't do that I don't want to", he kept touching me and I tried to calm down again, but I couldn't handle it anymore and started crying, he stopped immediately, he tried to hug me but I was crying and when I'm crying I don't want to get hugged because I will cry harder. I said everything's alright, but I actually just wanted to fuck off and cry some more.

We smoked a joint after that and I went home, I felt so fucked up the whole time, I was so sorry for my reaction. I'm so deeply ashamed of that and I don't really understand my reaction.
I mean, I already had sex with him 2 times, why the fuck did I cry this time? I thought I was over my past, but everything is coming back now and I can't handle it so well. I'm afraid that it will stay that way. Every little thing triggers me at the moment.

I swear, I can't connect to people, I can't have sex without feeling awful, I can't keep friends, I don't feel any deep connection to anyone, I'm feeling mostly of the time alone and all I want is actually to be able to fall in love, to have fun with friends, to have a great connection to my mother and sisters, to go back to work, to be with people without these feelings I have to carry around all the time. I just want to be normal, but I'm feeling like everything's getting worse and that there's no hope for me.

I just wanted to get this off my chest, I really want to sleep with him again and things, but I just can't get over my past and it's so frustrating, I think I'll lose everything and everyone because of my inability to bond with people in any way. Everyone thinks I'm strange but I actually just have ptsd, borderline and anxiety, I'm so ashamed of the way I am because of that, the symptoms are fucking me up.

sorry for my English I'm from Europe